CHAMPAGNE FLUTES UP!!!

Will telling you that I have been in quite an overwhelming place make any difference when I apologize for my prolonged absence? Work has been crazy and my personal life... I guess I haven't been Mary Poppins "happy." Oh well...

So yeah... I really am sorry for having been away for so long. I cannot even tell you how many times I have started to type and then stopped. I sort of lost my mojo for a while and I am only slowly beginning to reclaim it.

The gist "boku" for my end oh... where do I start? Hmmnnnn... Okay!! Seeing as yesterday was Int'l Women's day, I'm going to share a story hailing Women!!

Y'all know how I stay and gist comes looking for me, yeah? E-hen... I was on my own oh, not in any way looking for gist when as usual, it dropped right into my sexy thighs! I was at Vixen's house having fun in our GIRLS LINGERIE PARTY when we had a loud banging on her door. Personally, I no go lie, fear catch me oh! After my new year's eve experience, I get pretty jittery FAST!! I thought we were about to be invaded and robbed or worse... and I was in lingerie too!!!
Suffice it to say, I simply had my mind in overdrive because when Vixen opened her door to her friend- Omolara, it was not robbers I saw but a female that had my jaw go slack in surprise.

"Whaddahell?!!?! Omolara... what happened to you?! Are you alright? What is wrong?!!" Vixen screamed.
 "I will be once I have undiluted liquor in my system and you stop looking at me like I am a banshee or something. Sup babes, how una dey? See how you are all staring at me... hahahaha!!! Abeg I no fit shout... if I gist una wetin happen today ehn... Chei!! Na so Omolara for take go today oh!! Alcohol please!"
We were about 6 ladies in the room and we were all dumbstruck and slack jawed staring at Omolara. I knew the gist won't come till she had her alcohol so I quickly poured her a generous shot of vodka to hasten the gist telling. Don't blame me but I poured her yet another the minute she dropped her glass.

"Oya, what happened now? You have enough alcohol and I'll be your personal bartender today, as long as you start talking. Is vodka okay? You want whiskey?" Somehow I knew this gist would be worth it.
"Hahaha... My dear, Nollywood has got nothing on me. I am a Star!! Vixen, I told you I was going to see alhaji today abi? Well, I was giving him one of my signature massages and was just about to procure the promise of a new car from him when we heard the honk of a car horn at his gate. Alhaji went to his window to check who it was and babe... it was Alhaja who was supposed to be in Maidugiri!! I almost peed on myself... whatttttt!!!! That's how Alhaji and I started running round and round the room looking for where I could hide. The door downstairs opened and this sudden calm fell over me..."

I was enjoying this gist. I always enjoy gists like this because it makes me marvel at the stupidity of chics. Why would you follow your aristo to his house na?! Well, the gist continues...

"I asked Alhaji to wear his clothes and corner her downstairs before she came up the stairs and into the room. He managed to make it downstairs while I stood rooted to the floor wondering how I'd make it out of the situation. I swear I did not know what I was doing when I grabbed Alhaji's babariga and wore it over my own clothes. I took white powder and foundation from my bag, mixed everything with water from the bathroom, and rubbed it all over every visible part of me. I threw my bag out the window and hoped that it wouldn't be seen dropping from the living room, and that Alhaji was still holding the forte downstairs. I rubbed it into my hair too, my poor brazilian! Then, I walked out and down the stairs. I was saying my last prayers inside oh... what I was about to do was take the high road to possible death. I had my hands spread wide like this..." Then she stood up to demonstrate for us. I wish I could do same for y'all but I am counting on your imagination to do the trick. Picture a Nollywood creepy ghost and you've got her pegged.

"There's this trick I learned as a child that came in over-useful! I rolled my pupils in and had only the whites showing like this (she demonstrated for us again... that made her look even scarier!) Alhaja was drinking something and watching TV... then she noticed me. She first rubbed her hands across her eyes and turned to Alhaji..."

Alhamdulilahi!! Alhaji... look! See that woman... who is she?

Who? Where?

There! Coming down the stairs now! There... look!! What do you mean "where"?

Walahi, I can't see any woman. Where? Let me check..."

Ehn... alhaji, no!!! Spirit!!! Hidina sirotal mustekim

"I almost burst into laughter even though my heart was frozen with fear! aya mi ti ja tan, Olorun oh!!! So well, while the poor woman was scared shitless thinking I was a ghost and holding her darling husband back from being possessed by a spirit, I walked out of the house and out the gate. If you see race wey I race once I got outside the gate ehn... na Olympic remain for me.  "

We were all in stitches laughing at this point... Whattttt!!!! See liver!!! She was lucky the woman no carry jazz if not them for do power tussle and as my ibo people would say...

"e nweta mpi labu, onye bu onye ike? evula bu onye ike!" (If you bring two he-goats, which is the strongest? The bullock!) Something like that sha.

As we were laughing, her phone rang and it turned out to be Alhaji...

"Speaker-phone! Speaker-phone!!" We all chanted, so she had no choice but to put the call on speaker-phone so we could all hear what he had to say.

"Kai, Lara you are a very clever girl!! Where did you come up with that idea? Genius!! I will buy you that car, walahi!!! Insha Allah, I will pamper you very well from today. Clever girl!!"

"So, she didn't suspect anything?" Omolara asked
"At all, she ran outside after you left and called our meiguard to ask if he saw you and he too said he didn't see anything. Walahi, she believes she saw ghost and she has left the house! Good!! I want her to relocate to maidugiri then I can have more time with you, Lara!! Clever girl...!!!"

Can you just imagine?!!! Abeg, my fellow women... shout out to all una jare!!! E no easy!!!! I am still very amazed! Happy Women's day!!!! To all them chicas playing the field... una too much! Champagne flutes up!!!

Hugs and hershey kisses,


MIZ