She IS CRAZYYYYY!!!!!

It's the 28th day of December already... **sigh** Hello darlings! How una dey? Una no distribute Christmas hamper? he-he, Just kidding.

Our annual Christmas family dinner this year was insane, I swear. One thing I am sure of, to be a member of this family you have to be able to take a drive down Insanity-ville!! You cannot survive otherwise. From grandpa down to the youngest babies, smh.

As I drove into my "Aunt Mildred's" drive-way, I could see three of my aunts clearly arguing over something and by God, they were blocking the drive-way and did not even move despite my several horn honks. I had to get down.

"Merry Christmas!!!! Ermm, last I checked cars still kill people or hurt them pretty well Oh! Why are you people blocking the drive-way now? What if I was Ihuaku who hardly looks where she's driving? I could have hit you guys!" I exclaimed


"Oya, enter your car and hit us now, silly child. By the way, I have always said Ihuaku should be banned from driving. How can somebody focus on everything else but the road she's driving on? She's pinging, she's making up, she's eating, she's on the phone... everything but the road! That girl is an accident waiting to happen and it's sad she's my daughter. I was never like that!" This, from my aunt Ola.

"He-he, the fruit never falls far from the tree now. Good-afternoon aunty Ola, aunty Ify, aunty Ije. Err..., so will you people just shift to the other side so I can drive through? I promised I would help Papa with some stuff and he's been calling me non-stop!"

Aunty Ola's look froze me on the spot... Chai!!!

"Help gini?! You are staying right here, nwanyi! And you are not moving that car an inch from where it is. Everybody that arrives will join us right here!! This my dear, is a mutiny. Patricia has decided she will do the cooking..."


"WHATTTT?????? Ah, I'm going home! I never ready to die. Last time she tried cooking, I had to over-dose on imodium and that is so not sexy! Besides, I have a hot date tomorrow. I can't go looking emaciated from food poisoning na!" I had to cut Aunty Ije shut. Aunt Patricia is my crazy aunt Mildred and while she's awesome at planning menus and pulling off exquisite lunches, dinners, whatever... she should never have a hand cooking 'em just in planning them. She's an awful cook, awful I tell you, simply and complicatedly awful!!

And to make matters worse, she imagines herself to be the saviour of gourmet chefs worldwide. Her concoctions are legendary, I tell you. She fancies herself a Cordon Bleu, to my horror and tummy grief.

"Relax, she is not doing any cooking. Why do you think we are here? To enjoy the hot sun? We are protesting and everyone would block her driveway and street with cars till she becomes reasonable and leaves the kitchen in capable hands that won't cook potty to run our stomachs."


**DEEP SIGH** 


And at that moment, 5 more cars drove in... okayyy!!! The troops are arriving and the war is about to start. Aunty Ify had been on the phone since I arrived, intimating everyone about what was going on and gathering the army.

It promised to be fun and all that but I stood the risk of severe sun burn standing under the sun. Shuo!! I did not even apply sunscreen before leaving my house. I decided to chill for 20 more minutes with the hopes that Aunty Patricia would cave in fast. Uncle Obi should just promise her something like he always does. Someone should please do something. Get her out of that kitchen and avoid disaster!!! Aaaarrrggghhhh...!!!!!

"Madame Miz... aunty fine girl!! The biggest Diva in town!! Asa nwa!! LaS GiDi's finest!!!" this heralded Adure's arrival. She's always hailing me. He-he

"Almost- bride!! My love, how now? I thought you were in Abuja and could not make it?"


"E-hen, so everybody would find reasons to kill me, abi? I can't shout oh! Wetin dem talk say momsy dey do? Hian ohhh!!!!" Adure is the only chic I know that speaks fluent pidgin with her totally British accent. I find it so adorable. Lol.

"Your mom has gone Ga-Ga on us oh!! She wants to poison the entire family with her cuisine africana a la European! I think you should go and threaten her with cancelling all her plans for the wedding and hiring an official planner instead. That should shake her up!!"

Little did I know just how genius my idea was because my aunt ran out of the kitchen with flour all over her hair!! Oh dear Lord, this woman is Cray!!!!

Before that happened though, we had 10 cars parked in protest with one blasting truly loud music. And I met with Aunty Patricia's friend's son whom she had told me about at The Four points when I ran into her. Apparently she disregarded my plea not to hook us up and invited him for our "Family" dinner. Did she forget the meaning of the word? I'm not really complaining though. The dude is Hot!!! And y'all know they used hot guys to do me. Tall hot guys are my mu-mu button. He-he. Poor dude though, he was made to stand outside with us and witness our insanity first-hand! This didn't affect my hot date the next day sha. Mba

You can bet the dinner was insane and I pitied the poor dude for being thrown into chaos without warning. Good thing though, the food turned out amazing after Aunt Patricia left the kitchen. i am tired of typing! I've been typing for an hour thanks to many interruptions. Got to go find something to eat, but first... I finally made a resolution thanks to the date Aunty Patricia brought for me. He kept asking me if I had made my new year resolutions and sounded aghast when I said I had not and that in turn exasperated me.

So well, my resolution for the new year is...

So go on and join me in my resolution!!

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Bon Noel

Merry Christmas everyone!!!! I love all of you and appreciate your constant support of my scribbles and constant drama. You are such gems and my inspiration to tatafo... hehe!!!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!

Crazy Aunt Mildred!!

How e be say trouble dey sleep, yanga go dey wake am? I wish I could say this saying describes my situation accurately but the truth is, I was sitting down calmly when trouble waka come find me. 

I took an early lunch yesterday and had just taken my first bite of the really good chicken when someone screamed my name so dramatically causing me to almost choke... WTH!!! I looked up to see my dad's sister coming straight at me with a wide-toothed grin and her cologne floating behind her. Her Brazilian hair extension almost made me choke again. It was down to her hips (bear in mind that this woman is in her 60s)!!!!

"Darling, how are you? Fancy seeing you here, you naughty naughty child!!! You never call and you do not even visit despite the fact that we live in the same Ikoyi. You should be spanked! Don't just sit there... get up and give me a hug!! Are you not glad to see me?" 

"Of course aunty, I'm glad to see you." (By God, the lunch was a bad bad idea!! Her tight hug was crushing my bones and squeezing the life out of me!) "What are you doing here aunty??"

"Oh, I am lodged here for today, so I decided to come down for lunch and who do I see but you?!" She trilled

"You and Uncle Obi had a disagreement?" I had to ask. She always does that when she has a quarrel with my uncle regarding something she wants. She packs a bag and heads to a top-scale hotel that has a good spa within or nearby

"Oh don't worry about it honey, he will come around before the end of today. He always does. It's about Adure's wedding present. I wish I could tell you what I want us to get her but it's supposed to be a surprise and seeing as how you are very close to her... hey Waiter!!!! I need my order taken! (Need I mention that she had settled in comfortably on the seat opposite mine?) He's just being stubborn. So tell me how you have been."

**sigh** I love my aunt to bits but she can deplete one's energy with her constant chatter. 

"Just work, aunty. Work and more work. You know how it gets especially at this time of year. We are closing old accounts and putting finishing touches to everything. Plus I'm on the planning committee for the Christmas party at work. It's all fun though!"

"Oh Lord, baby, you just reminded me that I haven't made any plans for our annual family Christmas dinner. I have to call your mom so we can iron out the details. So much to do what with the wedding too! Has Adure sent your aso-ebi material to you? Do you love it or do you love it?! I told her the colour was totally made for the both of you. It took us 2 whole weeks to decide on the right fabric and design, did she tell you?... Speaking of weddings, what is going on with you, nwanyi-oma? No man yet? When are you getting married?"

AH!! There goes the million-dollar question!!

My aunt never fails to ask this question each time we meet. She agonizes over it more than my poor mom could ever hope to do. It is an issue of constant grief to her. She has the chief role of making sure everyone in the family gets married at 21 **shudders**

"Ha-ha, I am quite certain you would have known if I was getting married, aunty. Nothing ever passes you by! You are too smart for that. Look, I have to run, aunty. I have already over-stayed my lunch hour by 20minutes and we have got deadlines to meet. I will come by the house this weekend, I promise." I stood up and went to air-kiss her but my aunt held my face before I could do that...

"I know a wonderful young man. From a very responsible home and he's got a very good job too. I will set up a date for you two." (Oh Hell NO!!! Pardon my French, but she's the same person that set me up on the blind date with that local champion... No way I'm giving her another opportunity!)

"No aunty, I have someone in my life right now. Really. You don't have to worry about me. I am fine! Bye aunty, Love you!"

I quickly made my exit and practically flew to the office.Every body must have a crazy aunt Mildred, and you just met mine!! She should walk around with a T-shirt like this everyday, really.

I am off to bed jare, sleep beckons.

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,
MIZ

All Hail The LASTMA people!!!

I had a run-in with LASTMA yesterday. If you live in Lagos, you know what this means. The terrorists of Las Gidi roads finally looked my way.


Goodmorning darlings!!! I hope you all had a beautiful weekend like I did.


Before I start today's gist, I'd like to extend my condolence to the family of my fellow blogger ROLEX. I'm so sorry for the loss. May she rest in peace and may God grant all of you that were close to her, the fortitude to bear the loss. God bless!!!

So, as I was gisting... I had a clash with LASTMA people or should I say they had a clash with me? Because according to Vixen and Somi, I am a gale to be reckoned with. A wave that crashes wildly against the shores. Lol. Na them dey craze. Hehe. 
Well, Somi, Vixen and I were going for a wedding at the BeSpoke Center, Lekki and I was driving (yes, Somi finally let go of her Range for a day, rubbish! yes, I'm beefing). I was doing a cool 140 and somehow, the traffic lights never caught me. We were on cruise control, baby! Then we got to that Oniru turning just before the Toll gate, and the light went red but it was too late to stop at that speed. Next thing I know, the LASTMA people jump on their motorcycle to pursue us... Shuo!!!
I slowed down and parked just after the toll gate and wound down...


"I'm so sorry about that, Oga. Abeg no vex. I didn't see the light turn red early enough to stop."


"All these young girls, all of you feel you can violate the law abi?" (He can speak English well! He knows "violate", wow! **crickets**)


"Not at all, oga. How na? We fit?"


Before I could say "Prada", one of them had opened one of the back doors and jumped in.


"You will follow us to our office. You must pay the fine!"


"Haba Oga, na heat dey do you? Why did you jump into my car like that? You need the airconditioning that bad or you just want to see how it feels riding in a car like this first hand?" I asked (I was mentally beating myself up for forgetting to lock the doors before driving)
As soon as I asked this, silly girls in my car started to laugh and this infuriated the officers.


"Give us your license! You will go to court! Rubbish. Idiots like you shouldn't own a car" The one outside made a grab for my keys just as I wound up and his arm got stuck. He saw Red!


"Assault!!! You have assaulted an officer!! Ahhh!!! Prostitute!! I will make sure you pay nothing less than N500k to collect this your car! You will go to jail."


"Oga be reasonable. There's no scratch on you. All I did was prevent you from grabbing my keys. That was a very rude move, you don't just move in on people and disrespect their personal space. Besides, my friend here saw your arm brush my boobs I'm sure. Didn' you, Somi? (She replied a big Yes) I can have you arrested for sexual harrassment, trust me. Let us see who ends up in jail by the time I'm done with you. Haba! I am a first time offender and instead of you both to let me off with a warning, you are threatening me and hating on me because I drive a cool car, abi? I know your number, people play it quite often." 


"Ehn? Sexual what?? Ah no no no!! Relax aunty. Calm down. It was not intentional oh. Who are you calling? Please wait... We can work this out. Just give us something for sunday 17:59. That is all. We don't need to fight now."


I could not help laughing out loud!


"Oga, na today? Okay, enter car let me give you men something"


As soon as the idiot joined his colleague in the car, I hit Autolock and sped off towards ajah. They were screaming and we were laughing!! This was a bad bad thing for me to have done but somebody needed to teach these Mofos a lesson. They always do this. They feel they can intimidate people just because they wear uniforms. Well, them don jam road block today!
I hit play on the CD system and Rihanna's voice rent the air... pure coincidence that it was MAN DOWN playing. It was so loud that I could not hear the screams and pleas coming from our two captives. I drove all the way to Lagos Business School and stopped them.

"Oga, oya make una get down from my car. I hope I gave you sufficient gist for your 17:59 groove with your friends after work. Enjoy!!!"

After saying this, I turned the car around and drove back towards the Bespoke centre so we could meet the wedding reception.

Have I been very naughty?

**SINGING** "Feels so good being bad! There's no way I'm turning back... I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it!!"