She IS CRAZYYYYY!!!!!

It's the 28th day of December already... **sigh** Hello darlings! How una dey? Una no distribute Christmas hamper? he-he, Just kidding.

Our annual Christmas family dinner this year was insane, I swear. One thing I am sure of, to be a member of this family you have to be able to take a drive down Insanity-ville!! You cannot survive otherwise. From grandpa down to the youngest babies, smh.

As I drove into my "Aunt Mildred's" drive-way, I could see three of my aunts clearly arguing over something and by God, they were blocking the drive-way and did not even move despite my several horn honks. I had to get down.

"Merry Christmas!!!! Ermm, last I checked cars still kill people or hurt them pretty well Oh! Why are you people blocking the drive-way now? What if I was Ihuaku who hardly looks where she's driving? I could have hit you guys!" I exclaimed


"Oya, enter your car and hit us now, silly child. By the way, I have always said Ihuaku should be banned from driving. How can somebody focus on everything else but the road she's driving on? She's pinging, she's making up, she's eating, she's on the phone... everything but the road! That girl is an accident waiting to happen and it's sad she's my daughter. I was never like that!" This, from my aunt Ola.

"He-he, the fruit never falls far from the tree now. Good-afternoon aunty Ola, aunty Ify, aunty Ije. Err..., so will you people just shift to the other side so I can drive through? I promised I would help Papa with some stuff and he's been calling me non-stop!"

Aunty Ola's look froze me on the spot... Chai!!!

"Help gini?! You are staying right here, nwanyi! And you are not moving that car an inch from where it is. Everybody that arrives will join us right here!! This my dear, is a mutiny. Patricia has decided she will do the cooking..."


"WHATTTT?????? Ah, I'm going home! I never ready to die. Last time she tried cooking, I had to over-dose on imodium and that is so not sexy! Besides, I have a hot date tomorrow. I can't go looking emaciated from food poisoning na!" I had to cut Aunty Ije shut. Aunt Patricia is my crazy aunt Mildred and while she's awesome at planning menus and pulling off exquisite lunches, dinners, whatever... she should never have a hand cooking 'em just in planning them. She's an awful cook, awful I tell you, simply and complicatedly awful!!

And to make matters worse, she imagines herself to be the saviour of gourmet chefs worldwide. Her concoctions are legendary, I tell you. She fancies herself a Cordon Bleu, to my horror and tummy grief.

"Relax, she is not doing any cooking. Why do you think we are here? To enjoy the hot sun? We are protesting and everyone would block her driveway and street with cars till she becomes reasonable and leaves the kitchen in capable hands that won't cook potty to run our stomachs."


**DEEP SIGH** 


And at that moment, 5 more cars drove in... okayyy!!! The troops are arriving and the war is about to start. Aunty Ify had been on the phone since I arrived, intimating everyone about what was going on and gathering the army.

It promised to be fun and all that but I stood the risk of severe sun burn standing under the sun. Shuo!! I did not even apply sunscreen before leaving my house. I decided to chill for 20 more minutes with the hopes that Aunty Patricia would cave in fast. Uncle Obi should just promise her something like he always does. Someone should please do something. Get her out of that kitchen and avoid disaster!!! Aaaarrrggghhhh...!!!!!

"Madame Miz... aunty fine girl!! The biggest Diva in town!! Asa nwa!! LaS GiDi's finest!!!" this heralded Adure's arrival. She's always hailing me. He-he

"Almost- bride!! My love, how now? I thought you were in Abuja and could not make it?"


"E-hen, so everybody would find reasons to kill me, abi? I can't shout oh! Wetin dem talk say momsy dey do? Hian ohhh!!!!" Adure is the only chic I know that speaks fluent pidgin with her totally British accent. I find it so adorable. Lol.

"Your mom has gone Ga-Ga on us oh!! She wants to poison the entire family with her cuisine africana a la European! I think you should go and threaten her with cancelling all her plans for the wedding and hiring an official planner instead. That should shake her up!!"

Little did I know just how genius my idea was because my aunt ran out of the kitchen with flour all over her hair!! Oh dear Lord, this woman is Cray!!!!

Before that happened though, we had 10 cars parked in protest with one blasting truly loud music. And I met with Aunty Patricia's friend's son whom she had told me about at The Four points when I ran into her. Apparently she disregarded my plea not to hook us up and invited him for our "Family" dinner. Did she forget the meaning of the word? I'm not really complaining though. The dude is Hot!!! And y'all know they used hot guys to do me. Tall hot guys are my mu-mu button. He-he. Poor dude though, he was made to stand outside with us and witness our insanity first-hand! This didn't affect my hot date the next day sha. Mba

You can bet the dinner was insane and I pitied the poor dude for being thrown into chaos without warning. Good thing though, the food turned out amazing after Aunt Patricia left the kitchen. i am tired of typing! I've been typing for an hour thanks to many interruptions. Got to go find something to eat, but first... I finally made a resolution thanks to the date Aunty Patricia brought for me. He kept asking me if I had made my new year resolutions and sounded aghast when I said I had not and that in turn exasperated me.

So well, my resolution for the new year is...

So go on and join me in my resolution!!

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ