WE DON'T DO THE BRIDGES...

Hello again darlings! It's another Friday and I am abso-freaking-lutely ready to let my hair down and have me some fun!!! I will get to that after I am done with today's rant.
My post today was inspired by an article I came across in the GENEVIEVE magazine August 2011 issue. I copped its title for today's title, ha-ha. According to the author of the article, and I quote,

 "...If you are a JJC in town, I need you to be aware of one of the bigz girls' rules- we don't do the bridges!"


For those who do not totally understand the above (maybe because you are not a Nigerian?), JJC means "Johnny Just Come". It is a slang we use to refer to "Newbies/ Newcomers". And as for the "bigz girls", they are our equivalent of the "IT girls". The bridges being referred to here, are the bridges that connect the Lagos mainland areas to the Island that includes Victoria Island, Lekki and its environs, and Ikoyi. Long story short, it means we do not date anyone that lives across any of the bridges!
In Lagos, those who live on the Island are considered the "IT people"... rich and classy. Anything away from the Island is just... uuurrrggghhh!!! Ha-ha. Everything worth having is located on the island. The best houses (though most expensive), the best malls, the banging clubs, the beaches, the stores, the cars,... and the people! Little wonder people consider it the only place to be.

According to the author of this article, insisting on living in this choice area of the state is simply being greedy and over-the-top. Hmmnnn... Aunty, I totally understand the angle you are coming from but please who would rather eat spoilt cheese when you have the option of freshly-made? Like seriously? Call me whatever you want to but I will never live on the mainland except of course it is restored to order. Yes, I am defending my decision as well as that of plenty other ladies I know who chose to live nowhere else but on the Island.
I have plenty reasons to visit the mainland on a weekly basis, either en-route the airport or to visit a client for a meeting. And each of these times, I always find myself cussing out loud and shaking my fists at the insane bus drivers or in general annoyance at the disorganization. It is like one mad house. Granted there are select areas on the mainland worth living in, but why seek peace amidst chaos when I can be surrounded by total peace and harmony?

This is my beloved Island

I have never been able to drive without finding myself in some form of traffic where different hawkers crowd around my car attempting to sell their goods in nasal voices and frequent knocks on my window. This happens on the island too (sales in traffic, I mean) but it is no where near as annoying as that on the mainland. Voices attacking you from every corner and hawkers blocking the road you are to drive on.
The bus driver that decides to stop his vehicle smack in the middle of the road, to exchange blows and rough words with his conductor or another bus driver. Sometimes it is even a me-lee between the bus driver, his conductor, and their passengers or the touts that loiter the streets of Lagos siphoning money off of these people willing to actually work for their money.
The acrid smell of sweat slicked bodies that probably haven't seen water in days, the smoke from buses and cars that no longer belong on the roads but in museums, and the deafening sounds coming from fighting people to vehicles, and hawkers, and shops that compete with each other for the loudest sounding music players.

Typical Lagos Mainland Scene

A lot of people would argue with me that this is the very essence of Lagos. And that all I have described are the smells of the hustle that symbolizes Lagos city and yes, I can agree with that. That does not mean I want to live there however!! Nuh-uh!!!

I work hard to afford the lifestyle I have and any man that wants to marry me has to be able to keep me in that life style. And no, that is not me being "over-the-top", it is me being real and honest with you!! If you meet a girl who drives a Range and lives in a penthouse in one of the choicest areas of town, my dear, either you match/ surpass her, or you shift, biko. How do you expect the marriage to work? Trust me, even Waje will run 4-40 if a man with "One naira" comes to marry her despite her song proclaiming "mu na gi ga nu garri" For where?!

My kids must have better than I had growing up and darling, I had it good!! I am not willing to manage a situation that will have me pulling out my hairs daily till I'm totally bald. The only other city I can live in quite happily is Abuja but fear don dey catch me for that side sef. So dear future husband, if you come to me like MI saying "Love me though the money is a maybe..." and insist on living on the mainland, kindly do not come near me now at all. I will find another husband. I am willing to work with you to maintain the cheese, but I will not follow you to drink garri and develop kwarshiokor. Miz said so! Send me someone like TI who has got wads of naira and would be willing to put a big boy in my life so I never want for anything.

When I am even praying that my dear future husband would get us a house in banana island. I have even been saving to support that mission.

So yes, I am a Lagos babe and I don't do bridges!! Case closed!!

That settled, where are y'all going tonight? It's been a while since I went dancing and tonight I am going to show my moves like Jagger!! Yeah baby!!! Okay, maybe Jagger doesn't quite cut the image I want. I will just stick with Shakira with some Ciara thrown in.

RATED PG 18

Hello Darlings,

Like I said, today's post is rated so please if you are not up to 18, cover your eyes... thank you!

How many of us remember the song "Tonight is the Night" by Betty Wright? I always did love that song and today I am going to tell my own story so like Betty Wright...

",,,I want you all to do this for me if you will
Everybody think back to your very first time.
Now I'll give you a little while longer
Cause I know some of you
Have to think back a little further than others.
Come on now, I want you to play catch up.
Cause I don't want you waiting till I get to the end...
Saying, Oh yeah, now I remember.
Now whether it was good
Or you just smiling it was good
or on the other hand if it was not so good
Here's my story..."

I had just started life as an under-graduate and had already landed myself the hottest guy in school as my boyfriend. He was 4th year Medical student, sexy as sin, and he drove this really hot sports car that he always used to zoom past in school. I was the envy of every girl who consequently hated me for landing the guy every chic wanted to date.

We had a wonderful relationship that thrived mostly because we were both proud we landed the catch of the session... each other!!! Ha-ha.
After a while, the pressure mounted from him and from my friends. He wanted to cement our relationship and prove to me how much he cherished me. My friends persuaded me that if I did not give in to him I could lose him to other girls who were willing to give it up at no cost at all. I did not want to lose my bobo so I finally agreed and we fixed a date for when "It" would happen. In my usual fashion, I went shopping for lingerie and little romantic fripperies I wanted to use to make my first time truly special.

On said day, I was so nervous I spilled a glass of juice on my lecturer and got stuck with the dry cleaning bill. I was about to become a woman! I rushed home three hours before the designated time to set the mood. Think rose petals, scented candles, dim lights...

He finally arrived right on the hour with a single red rose and that single gesture had me turning into pudding inside. Was he not the sweetest?!

He insisted we dance first and all I could think of was... "this dude is truly sweet but he must have watched too many Hollywood romance movies. Can't he see how nervous I am?"
While dancing he stuck his tongue down my throat and I wriggled away from his embrace.

"No no no. You are supposed to kiss me very very gently. Not like that."

Then he tried again. Well, after several attempts to kiss me just right like I imagined he should on my first time, he  finally got it right and managed to move me to lie on the bed. I was dying inside with apprehension. I kept thinking...

"My bed sheet is white... ouch!!! Do I have any pain-killers at all? Gosh, what am I about to do?"

While this was going on in my head, boy handsome had taken off his clothes and faced with a nude male body for the first time had my eyes open in shock and real fear. I was rooted to the spot. I could not move to save my life.

"Come on baby, lie down"

"Yes, yes lie down. Okay. Erm... do you want to watch a movie? Okay no. Put off the lights." He promptly went to switch it off...

"No no, it's too dark now. Put it back on. No, back on!" I said
"Baby, relax... I will not hurt you. I have done this before." he tried to calm me
"Let's forget you said that for now. I want wine. Let us drink wine." I huffed

While talking and talking in fear, it was done and I let out a little shriek.

"What just happened? That was it? No fireworks?"

Then I started to sob big fat tears. My special first was nothing after all but a shriek. In my haste to run to the bathroom and cry, I knocked over one of the candles and my bed sheet lit up in flames. What a way to crown the day!! I just slid to the floor where I proceeded to laugh hysterically as I watched him try to put off the fire with a bottle of the wine on the table, effectively worsening the fire.

Then he ran around till he finally found his way to the kitchen and got water to pour on the bed. The fire was eventually put out but my bed was a sorry sight and there was no way I was going to use my money to buy a new one... Yimu!!

He was truly a sweetheart though because he came to the floor to hold me in a tight hug and promise me next time would be better. After that day though, I refused to see him for weeks!! I was that embarrassed.

He bought a new mattress and bedsheets for me and even a bottle of wine that came with a note saying... "Hopefully this bottle would be used to douse an inner fire and not a physical one. Luv u" Truthfully, it was that note that made me give the relationship another try despite my embarrassment. So, there you have it. My memorable first time... smh.

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Face Your front, dear!!

Hello darlings!!!! How has your week been? As depressing as mine? Everybody seemed to be working together to piss me off. At the office, my PA managed to screw up the simplest task ever. H.R.M could not stop eating foods with too much garlic which irritated me greatly because for some insane reason he was always breathing down my neck trying to peep at my computer (or see into my cleavage... the twat).
Somi on her own end conveniently forgot about the lunch date we had planned thereby making me go all by myself allowing the opportunity for some seriously pot-bellied oaf to approach me with lettuce stuck between his teeth... GROSS!!!
And then to crown my annoyance, the dry cleaners burnt my Vera Wang dress!! I have had a simply horrid week but in the midst of it all I managed to get some gist that I hope would make you laugh as much as it made me. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks which were hurting so bad from all the laughter. Let me give you a clue on what this gist about... take your mind back to the movie "Pretty Woman" and then picture the elevator scene. Good!!!... Let's go!!!

I was at a very busy restaurant today trying to have some lunch before returning to the madness of the office. While waiting for my food which was annoyingly taking forever to arrive, I was "people-watching" as I usually do.

Just as I was about to bend my head to take a sip of my colada, I saw "action-film" being shot right in my very before. There was a couple seated 3 tables across from me, I estimated their respective ages to be about 40/45. I thought the wife looked like a crow ready to pounce on her prey and I was not wrong at all because just a few minutes after thinking that, I saw her stand up to land the man a dirty one smack across the cheek... GBOOM!!!! As yellow as the poor man was, his face instantly turned as red as a very ripe tomato.
Apparently, one of these Sisi eko's who have nothing else in their wardrobes but pants they like to call bum-shorts had passed by their table to find a seat. The poor man whose eyes were apparently hungry for such a sight followed her every movement till the moment she sat down and his mouth was hanging open like that of a drooling dog's which I guess is not far from what he was at that moment.
While he was busy engrossed in staring at sisi, his iyawo was busy setting her hand to land him a sweet slap. I can still hear the sound, it was that loud. Everybody stopped what they were doing to stare at the show that had just unfolded before us.

My oh my, this was totally worth the delay plus the crazy amount I had to pay for the food. Entertainment toh badt!!! When it finally dawned on the man that he had been slapped and in front of a crowd too, he equally stood and tried to do gra-gra with his wife who picked up a fork and warned him clearly enough that we could all hear her in the restaurant.

"Come near me with that pathetic body of yours and I will help you pluck out your philandering eyes that cannot seem to stay one place. Idiot!!! Olosi, oloriburuku, Omo Ale!! Look at you!!! Useless man!! Your mates are out there taking care of their responsibilities and you are here looking at every girl that crosses your path. If you could even impregnate someone I would understand but with all your waka-about, you are still as impotent as a fool. Good-for-nothing buffalo!!!"


Aaahhh... that one enter I am sure. The man just sat down heavily on his chair and bowed his head as if in shame or pain. Before I could shout "WAITER", the man was up and pursuing his wife with the table knife. You should have seen both of them wielding their cutlery weapons and running round and round the restaurant. The poor waiters were bewildered as to what to do. Me I was busy laughing!!!! CHEIIIII...!!!! I could not stop the laughter so I just kept right on laughing as I watched the security men enter the fray while trying to restore peace in the restaurant. No entertainment better than that, I swear down!!! I could not even eat the food any more when they brought it. I was full from laughter. I had to ask them to pack it for me to take back to work. I was entertained for days!!!

Abeg, work dey tomorrow before laughter holds me captive here again tonight. Sleep well my darlings.

Hugs and hershey Kisses,


MIZ

SCAMMERS ANONYMOUS...

Wetin I take this my ear hear yesterday ehn...!!! Chei!!! Na wa oh...!! Twitter fine boiz and gbogbo bigz gals, I hail una oh!!!
Okay, so I went over to the Radisson Blu yesterday afternoon to have lunch with a friend who came into town from Abuja. While enjoying my meal at the Surface bar and Grill, this gist popped up. Obviously there is this dude on twitter whose sole aim is to get rich off of vulnerable kind-hearted ladies with excess cash to throw away. His twitter handle will be revealed partially at the end of this gist, but one clue... he is into heights. So, look again at any follower of yours who is into same thing because he just might be out to work on you... and your wallet!! Abeg, take that money to buy better something for yourself jare.

According to a friend of his who was also having lunch with us and who was duped by this dude, they started off with the normal retweets and mentions as we all do on twitter. And then, the DMs started rolling in before they decided to meet as per friends concerned. The dude told her a sob story about his mom being critically ill and in need of medical attention and him being piss-ass broke so could not afford to take her to the hospital as he should. I don't know if he put jazz in his mouth oh, because the babe I saw did not look like a fool to me, but what she did next can only be described as grossly foolish because the babe sharp sharp gave him a hundred grand!! Ol' boy, see daylight robbery oh!!! I am a proud Lagos babe!! I cannot be swindled!! I never finish to collect, I go come dey give man. Except I know you personally and I know you are good for a loan, never!!!! My mama did not give birth to me in Lagos just so I can end up counting the bridges we have.
The most interesting part is, I heard he has collected reasonable sums from over 10 different ladies telling them varied sob stories. Most amazing is a girl who emptied her life savings that totalled 400,000.00 naira to give to this Mofo!! Kai... somebody direct me to her, please!!! She needs serious spanking and I am just the right person to give it to her. In this day and time when we all know how people live to collect your hard-earned money... ha!!! Na real wa oh!! the gist weak me no be small. I am still shaking my head in wonder.

Anyway, forget this gist for now (well, except you have fallen victim! then please queue up to be flogged!!!), I went to The Marquee yesterday with Vixen and a couple of other friends. We went cray cray in  there... Wow!!! DJ Jimmy Jatt was in the building and he was spinning the wheels like he knows how!! You know your girl likes to groove, right? I grooved mehn... TDB (till day break)!!!
There was a moment when I sat down to devour a plate of buffalo wings and fries (yummy!!). When I am out anywhere, I love to people-watch. Very entertaining hobby too, I must say. So while my eyes roved, they quickly zeroed in on this chic who was as good as naked... Wowza!!!! She had on a black very sheer dress with a thong on so everyone could see her butt and bra with cleavage in very clear detail. That was so not sexy, I tell you. On a beach or by the poolside, I would understand the thong and bra but in the club... NO NO NO!!! To make matters worse, she was shaking her bum so hard and generally being a serious "baza-queen". I appreciate the female body oh, but I am no 3737 to want to be seeing the female body in public display like she had hers. Bride price don reduce sharperly... her poor folks!
Speaking of being a 3737, I would truly like to know why guys are turned on by it. Guys please tell me oh!!!

Alright darlings, I have to sway out of here now. I have a guest... *wink! But first, remember to look out for James Heights!
Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ