AREN'T MEN AMAZING

Good morning darlings!!! It is a beautiful day to be alive!!! And Christmas is closer than before, huge reason for me to be excited!! Christmas is my favourite holiday!! I cannot wait to start hearing carols all around me, see beautiful decorations especially at Ajose Adeogun and Falomo round-about. That is usually beautiful!! And I promised myself that I would definitely take a picture by them this year. Who knows, I might even volunteer at a children's home just to see the beautiful smiles on their faces when I give them gifts and we sing carols together... Yes, I love children as well!

For those of you who never cease to ask... no, I am not going to church today. And no, it does not make me a sinner. I have simply decided to worship my God from home today since I cannot make it to my church. So for those of you going, drop some money in the offering basket for me. You are special!!

Something unusual happened 2 days ago. I gave my blackberry pin to a stranger on Facebook. Simply because he sent me a message without grammatical errors. Flawless English. I was impressed and while still being impressed, I gave my pin to a stranger who could have been a freak for all I knew!!

Yet again, he might be as sexy as Colin Farrell who is my ultimate definition of sexy!!! * fans-self*. Then I would consider myself blessed indeed!!

Anyway, I realized I was insane after I had accepted his friend request while wondering who the heck sent me a request. The bb name was different from the name on his Facebook account... Strike one!!
So, I sent him a bbm today asking why his name on bbm was different from his name on Facebook, and demanded to know if he was suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). The following conversation ensued...

"This is my real name. Not the one on Facebook. MPD? Oh no!! I don't. Why haven't you given me your number? I asked for it in my last message to you on Facebook."

I quickly checked my inbox and saw that the liar actually had.

"Huh?? You have me on here. Is that not more than enough? I am not the type to give out my pin to someone I do not know. I was in a very good mood, I guess." I replied

"Great, that means I am a lucky chap (insert bbm wink). Anyway, I need your number in case I come to Festac. I could call you and pass by where?" I had to read that again to be sure I wasn't reading the wrong chat.

Then he replied "Or I could drive to wherever you are so I can see you, at least."

"Back up, Mister. What has Festac got to do with me?" 

"BB network can be funny at times. Easier to track you with a direct call. Feel me here!! But if you do not want to give it out, no probs."

Feel him???? Hian Ohhh!!!! Then he sent a reply to my question about Festac...

"You told me you live in Festac. So I said I could come and see you if I am in Festac today. And to make it easier, I could call you to know where you are. That's what I mean"

"When did I tell you that please? *BBM confused face*" I was baffled, honestly but it got better...

"With your permission, of course. Oh!! That was yesterday. When you said you are a student in UNILAG and I asked where you stay, you told me 4th avenue"

Where the heck is 4th avenue?!!!

"Pls, go back and read through all your chats because I am very certain I never chatted with you before now. I do not live on the Mainland. The last time I was a student, I received my second MBA degree. You obviously have a lot of unknown ladies on your BBM list and I think I should take myself off to save you this confusion, and save me the annoyance"

"Then it's a mix-up. I chatted with 3people yesterday and you were the only lady I chatted with. So I am confused now. Why are you in a hurry to judge me? Confusion is only natural" he replied

"Dude, I don't judge fast. You apparently make it a hobby to ask for pins on Facebook and have gotten yourself confused. Do not lump me in with your harem of unknown ladies, Mister." I was quickly regretting my act of kindness in giving out my pin.

"My mistake, I apologize. Easy, please. I do not have a Harem and you will never be part of one"

I just stopped chatting with him after this and once I am ready for my phone, I will remove him from my list. Emi o raye!!

Honestly though, men are amazing!!!!

I am going to rifle through my kitchen for what to eat. I might go to the movies later. Any good movie showing?

Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

EXCUSE YOU???

Men amaze me. Really, they do.

Hey darlings!!! What are you up to this relaxing Sunday afternoon? I am chilling on the couch with my laptop on my thighs and some red wine by my side while I try to remain somewhat involved in the loud conversation going on in my living room between Somi and two of her friends. One of whom is cool and the other is just a loud parrot that could easily personify a life-sized bimbo. Truly. She has done nothing but argue pointlessly and guzzle down my wine in-between many mouthfuls of my peppered prawns!! How irritating!! I do not like this babe. Seriously. The only adorable thing about her is her name- CARESSA. Her parents deserve thumps on the back for such a sexy name. Pity the bearer has a tummy the size of a very mature water-melon and and an ass as pointed as the beak of a woodpecker.

Anyway, guess what the conversation is about? You get 3 guesses... anyone???? I guessed not.
It's about a rule we ladies like to call the "Six Sixes". Somehow, I think even many ladies do not know this is the official name of the rule but what the heck... we've all got to learn new things everyday, right?

You know how men determine how hot a woman is on a scale of 1 to 10? Well, the Six Sixes is our own scale of measurement. Difference is we do not measure based on appearance alone (yes, that's how smart we are). Unlike our superficial counterparts, we base our judgements on more than a man's six-pack (and no, not his beer pack). We consider things like his 6-figure salary that has to be deliciously close to a 7-figure, his 6-feet plus frame, ermmm... plus the fact that he has got to be at least 6-inches below the belt. There are many more Sixes, but you get my drift.

The fact that we judge based on your income, appearance, and performance does not make us shallow in any way. Okay, in some cases maybe. Speaking for myself though, I am an independent gorgeous woman who deserves nothing less than the gold. The more sixes I can score, the better for all concerned! However, a monthly 7-figure salary plus benefits may sway my mind (maybe).

So the reason why I said it's a maybe is because I ran into that ibo local champion whom I had a blind date with a while back. And at the most embarrassing of all places... The Palms!!! If you do not want to be seen, never venture near The Palms. That's where you will see every single person you do not want to see.
 I went shopping at Shopright and just as I was wheeling out my cart to go take the elevator and get me some ice-cream and brownies, I heard someone beckoning at me and screaming what I swear is not my name in any way.

"Mrs (insert thick ibo accent here)!!!! Hey Mrs...!!! It is you I am calling now!!!" He yelled

"Hi... errr... I'm sorry, your name again?" I asked in a very dry tone

"Erastus na!!! Remember me? Hian babyyyy... na wa oh!! i che ta kwa m ozo. It is me, Erastus!!!" He screamed again

Oh Lord have mercy. This was not happening to me again. I thought there and then that I must have wronged someone seriously enough to deserve this embarrassment one more time.

"Oh yea, how have you been? Look I have to go, okay? It was nice running into you though" I tried to make my escape

"Nne, not so soon nu. I has been looking for you since you run away those days. My chewing gum, nwa mummy, akwa nwa!!"


"Excuse you? Please do not call me pet names I have not authorized you to, especially not unsavoury pet names like 'chewing gum'. What the heck is that?" I could not stand the dude... eish!!!

"Ehn, me unsavry (pronounced as written), isi gini? Look at you!! You are just a Diva" he heaved out with lots of saliva flying all around.

I just burst into laughter. Who taught this guy the meaning of "Diva" for Chrissakes? Did he think it is an insult? That must be the highest compliment ever!!! Yes,  I am a diva and damn proud of it too!!!

This dude needs to up his insult vocabulary sha!! A lot of people had already started to stare and laugh too. Honestly, I did not feel bad about walking away from the bush man.

So, I gisted Somi and her friends about the experience and some of them were of the opinion that I should have given bush-man a chance because he's rolling in money. Are they for real? Especially aunty Caressa. The more Sixes I get, the better for me!! I am not looking to settle, biko!!

Hugs and Kisses,

MIZ

It Wasn't Me?

Why is my life filled with so much drama? No, I am being serious. Stop laughing.

Sometimes I get really tired of all the show and then I realize, I crave for it!! Then the madness starts all over again. Sometimes it finds me. Like it did yesterday in the form of Allen, my delightful neighbour. I am getting too old for this but who was it that sang "Forever Young" again? It's sad to think that the person had me in mind. That means the drama would never stop and our tatafo would always continue. Now that's a good thing, right?

My head is banging and I cannot stop my eyes from squinting whenever I am faced with bright lights. I had to lock my office door and tell everyone that I am working on one of our important projects and do not need any disturbances. Everyone respects my creativity and lets me be when I ask for it. This is a good thing and even better that they did not ask why I had sunglasses on in the office. The lights in my office have all been turned off and the blinds drawn. I am typing this almost blind and I hope I make no typo errors. If I do, blame it on the alcohol! Poor alcohol though, I should really blame Allen. She brought the alcohol!! But I do pity poor Allen. So do I blame it on my wacky emotions that felt pity for a babe that was caught pants down with one of them vultures (my pet name for married men)?

I had just gotten back from Ajah where I went to visit a friend who had been involved in an accident. I had not even taken off my shoes when I heard the bell ring. On opening the door, Allen bounced in filled with all the rage in the world.

"The bastard!! She will rot in hell!! Me, Allen!!! I was almost disgraced like a common prostitute! And you... where have you been?! Why have you not been taking my calls? Do you know what I have been through?!!"


"Err-mm... excuse you? Why did you come into my apartment to attack me at 11:30pm? Them dey worry you? Besides, if you are still alive then you have been okay. So, it's either you calm down and talk or you get out and allow me to sleep. Work dey tomorrow." I was very tired and having had issues with my PC all day, I just wasn't in the mood for her drama.

"No vex jare, ore mi. I am just so upset thanks to the severe embarrassment I suffered today. Remember Tunji? That Oil magnate I gisted you about that was chyking me and paid for my Paris vacation?" she asked

"If he's paying for your vacations then the level has moved from chyking to shagging, I'm sure. Anyway, yes I remember him. What happened?" I replied in a dry tone


"Haba chic, wetin now? Bobo no fit pay that kind thing for me without getting anything? Anyway, leave matter for Mathias. That one no be my wahala now. My problem is with the level of humiliation I suffered from today. After work (she works as a marketer with one of the banks) I drove down to Phase 1 where he was waiting for me. He just came back from New York, by the way and he brought shoes that would make you salivate. They are in my room."

Is this  girl mad? How would she mention shoes and expect me to still concentrate?  Anyway. let me try and focus on this her gist. I hope it is worth my time oh!

"After he gave me all the stuff he bought for me, one thing led to another and before I could say 'Tunji', my pants had ended up tangled up in the duvet as I was later to realize."

"I knew that Paris trip was not an awoof trip. Keep going. I am liking this." I adjusted my self on the bed to hear the gist from a better angle.

That was when the floodgates opened and instead of a juicy gist, I had a wailing woman in my arms!

"Allen, sweetheart... it's okay. stop crying. Poor baby. What happened next?"

I had to hear the rest of the gist na. Haba!! How would she leave me hanging?

"The door slammed open (sob), and a mad woman (More sobs) walked in and started hurling insults at me (still more sobs). She came in with an entourage!! Two other women and the gate man."

"Cheiii... your bride price don finish O!! Are you serious? (I had to struggle to hold in my laughter). So who's the woman? His wife or girlfriend?"


"His wife!! I didn't even know he was married!" She yelled


"Okay, get outta here, Allen. And what did you think the ring on his finger was? Fashion item? abi he does not wear one?" she had got to be kidding me!!

"I never looked at his finger now! (Right!! You just looked at his sexy pockets. No harm in that)

"She went crazy, I tell you, crazy!! How won't he look outside when he has a crazy woman as wife? She started throwing things at him and I just sat on the bed with the duvet covering me. I still had not recovered from what had been going on.

"Just at the final peak too!! Why did she have to come in at that time?" (Huge sob)

Hell hath no fury like a woman left unsatisfied? Hahaha. 

I feel I should let you all know that while all this was going on, we were already done with a bottle of Nuvo and  had started on another. I just kept drinking and enjoying the gist. She on her own was drinking with all the fury and humiliation stored up inside of her. I was pretty high at this point and so was she.

"You know something else, Miz? I have to start driving all the way to VGC now whenever I have to see him. He sent me a text with a change of location. Imagine!! All the way... Shtupid woman!!" she slurred

Ehn??!! She will continue to see the man?! Issorai!! Me, I like my fine face very well and I do not want some crazy woman to come after me with acid because I am sleeping with her husband. I no fit shout.

Anyway, the benefits must be worth all the humiliation since she is willing to go at it again.

At this point, she had started going into details about some of those benefits and I really cannot share them but they sure made for juicy listening!! Hehehe. We did not go to bed till about 3am and by that time, we had finished 3 bottles of Nuvo and a quarter. I am so screwed!!1

I am cuddling up to sleep on this couch, jare!! Will somebody be nice enough to wake me up at 5pm and bring a cup of coffee too? That is when I close for the day. Where's that my eye mask again? *YAWN!!

Hugs and hershey kisses,

MIZ

WAHALA

I am quite upset and rightly so!! I just got back from lunch which I had gone to with all the joy I always have on Fridays, only to return with a rather long face thanks to one ass-wipe (pardon my French) that pissed me off as I was pulling out of Marcopolo.

Forgive me, darlings. How have y'all been? Missed me as much as I missed you? I really do not know what kept me away and I'm sad that it took an annoyance to bring me back to you. I always told myself "tomorrow" but now I know for sure that tomorrow is always a day away. Well, Miz is back!!!

So, what upset me? A dude who drives as recklessly as Mr. Bean on a bad day. I had just finished my meal of steamed rice with broccoli (Yum!!) with a plate of vegetable spring rolls (I never miss those), and got into my car to begin the drive back to the office. I was jamming to Rihanna's "Man Down" and nothing could touch me at that moment... or so I thought. I beckoned to the security man to guide me as I pulled out, which he got up to do. Confident in the clear access I had and following the direction of the guard, I put my car into reverse and started pulling out of the parking slot. Next thing I know, this car came from literally nowhere and slammed into my car!!!
No... I did not slam into his, rme. He drove straight into me despite the security guard's sign not to. Eeeeehhhnnnn... see this "Weree" oh!!! My car!!! I immediately remembered Tony Tetuila's line "today na today. No time for tori". I saw RED!!! My car... like, My Baby!!

I got down from the car and bounded over to meet the "ponmo" who stupidly came out of his own car with something akin to fury on his face. I had to pause to look at him again... was he mad?! This dude just bashed my car and he was coming towards me with all the anger he had stored inside his egg-head!! Some people are mad in this Lagos oh!!

"Are you mad? Is something wrong with you? Why did you pull out like that, woman? Are you blind?! Don't you use your mirrors?!" He raged

"Huh? Wait a minute. This is a joke, right? Who released this lunatic from the psycho ward? Did you not see the security man directing traffic and letting people know I was pulling out?! Are YOU blind?!" I replied in fury. The dude was obviously on some cheap crack. He just bashed my car and still has the effrontery to yarn dust, abi?

I quickly went to check on my car and I almost cried!! My poor baby... My poor poor baby!!!

Wait oh!!!... this "ewu texas" is still talking? Chim oohh... some people are loco oh!!

"Dude, did somebody forget to fix your screws this morning before you left your house or have you lost them permanently? WTF is wrong with you? Look, I do not have the time to chill here with you and talk rubbish. However, you ARE going to fix my car!" I turned on him in anger (I am really cute when angry though. He-he)

By this time, several busy-bodies had gathered around and trust some of the men to be yarning nonsense like the chihuahua that hit my car.

"Woman, watch your tongue!! You do not talk like that to a man. Don't you have a husband? It is women like you that get sent out of their husband's homes. Keep quiet and show some remorse! Women, you people drive like if you are mad"

HUH?!!!!!!!!!! NO FREAKING WAY A DUDE JUST SPOKE TO ME LIKE THAT!!!


Okay, call me a feminist if you will but it is men like this that made me the way I am. And I do not tolerate it from them. Did the short toad think I was his meek wife seating down with her arms folded waiting for him to come home? See me see wahala oh!!

"Look sir, I am going to respect your old age and act like you did not just spew filth from your mouth. Why should I show remorse because this dude bashed my car? Infact, I am talking too much..."

I quickly picked up my phone and called Somi to brief her on what was happening. In just a matter of minutes, a police van had pulled up and I left them with my car and the dude. Did I mention Somi sent her driver for me too? Let that idiot sort himself out with the police. Ode!!

Seriously, I have issues with men that think women are pathetic drivers. I mean, yes some of us suck at parallel parking skills but we are extremely cautious when we are driving. It is always men you find involved in drunk driving accidents, driving without seatbelts... I am sure that piranha had taken some alcohol with his lunch and that made him drive like a bat flying in the day time. "Isi aki!!"

Recklessness on the road... Driving under the influence... Speeding (okay, I'm guilty of this),,, Failing to wear a seat belt in spite of LASTMA... These are what we should base our good/bad driver judgements on.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. Or sexist. Who cares?

I need to pack up jare. The weekend has officially begun! Countdown to a night of Jonzing!!! Talk to you later, darlings!!
Hugs and hershey kisses...

MIZ