EXCUSE YOU???

Men amaze me. Really, they do.

Hey darlings!!! What are you up to this relaxing Sunday afternoon? I am chilling on the couch with my laptop on my thighs and some red wine by my side while I try to remain somewhat involved in the loud conversation going on in my living room between Somi and two of her friends. One of whom is cool and the other is just a loud parrot that could easily personify a life-sized bimbo. Truly. She has done nothing but argue pointlessly and guzzle down my wine in-between many mouthfuls of my peppered prawns!! How irritating!! I do not like this babe. Seriously. The only adorable thing about her is her name- CARESSA. Her parents deserve thumps on the back for such a sexy name. Pity the bearer has a tummy the size of a very mature water-melon and and an ass as pointed as the beak of a woodpecker.

Anyway, guess what the conversation is about? You get 3 guesses... anyone???? I guessed not.
It's about a rule we ladies like to call the "Six Sixes". Somehow, I think even many ladies do not know this is the official name of the rule but what the heck... we've all got to learn new things everyday, right?

You know how men determine how hot a woman is on a scale of 1 to 10? Well, the Six Sixes is our own scale of measurement. Difference is we do not measure based on appearance alone (yes, that's how smart we are). Unlike our superficial counterparts, we base our judgements on more than a man's six-pack (and no, not his beer pack). We consider things like his 6-figure salary that has to be deliciously close to a 7-figure, his 6-feet plus frame, ermmm... plus the fact that he has got to be at least 6-inches below the belt. There are many more Sixes, but you get my drift.

The fact that we judge based on your income, appearance, and performance does not make us shallow in any way. Okay, in some cases maybe. Speaking for myself though, I am an independent gorgeous woman who deserves nothing less than the gold. The more sixes I can score, the better for all concerned! However, a monthly 7-figure salary plus benefits may sway my mind (maybe).

So the reason why I said it's a maybe is because I ran into that ibo local champion whom I had a blind date with a while back. And at the most embarrassing of all places... The Palms!!! If you do not want to be seen, never venture near The Palms. That's where you will see every single person you do not want to see.
 I went shopping at Shopright and just as I was wheeling out my cart to go take the elevator and get me some ice-cream and brownies, I heard someone beckoning at me and screaming what I swear is not my name in any way.

"Mrs (insert thick ibo accent here)!!!! Hey Mrs...!!! It is you I am calling now!!!" He yelled

"Hi... errr... I'm sorry, your name again?" I asked in a very dry tone

"Erastus na!!! Remember me? Hian babyyyy... na wa oh!! i che ta kwa m ozo. It is me, Erastus!!!" He screamed again

Oh Lord have mercy. This was not happening to me again. I thought there and then that I must have wronged someone seriously enough to deserve this embarrassment one more time.

"Oh yea, how have you been? Look I have to go, okay? It was nice running into you though" I tried to make my escape

"Nne, not so soon nu. I has been looking for you since you run away those days. My chewing gum, nwa mummy, akwa nwa!!"


"Excuse you? Please do not call me pet names I have not authorized you to, especially not unsavoury pet names like 'chewing gum'. What the heck is that?" I could not stand the dude... eish!!!

"Ehn, me unsavry (pronounced as written), isi gini? Look at you!! You are just a Diva" he heaved out with lots of saliva flying all around.

I just burst into laughter. Who taught this guy the meaning of "Diva" for Chrissakes? Did he think it is an insult? That must be the highest compliment ever!!! Yes,  I am a diva and damn proud of it too!!!

This dude needs to up his insult vocabulary sha!! A lot of people had already started to stare and laugh too. Honestly, I did not feel bad about walking away from the bush man.

So, I gisted Somi and her friends about the experience and some of them were of the opinion that I should have given bush-man a chance because he's rolling in money. Are they for real? Especially aunty Caressa. The more Sixes I get, the better for me!! I am not looking to settle, biko!!

Hugs and Kisses,

MIZ