Not So Random

I am probably going to bore you with my post today, but I am feeling rather melancholy. It is all thanks to this girlfriend of mine. Her mood has greatly affected me and reminded me of the heartbreak I myself once suffered.

Mine was crazy. Some of you would laugh as people always have and always will. I had lots of people tell me "babes, you weren't in a relationship. Relax"
Those people always have and always will piss me off. For real.
You are confused. Thing is, I dated my boyfriend for a year before I met him. And then we dated for even longer after that. It was bliss. We were not together, but I felt closer to him than people who are together even feel. He was my bestfriend. My confidante. He was in Florida. I have always been here.

One day however, just one phone call changed everything. My world came tumbling down around me. He wanted out. He could not cope with the distance anymore. Just a day's decision. And I still do not accept it to this day. Something else was amiss, he just chose not to tell me. I know it was not another woman. Call me foolish. Call me stupid. Call me naïve. I trusted my man. Go ahead, laugh. Should I paint my face white and put red bold blusher on my cheeks with a cherry on my nose? Complete the clown look to ensure your continued laughter?

You see... The thing is I had built my life around him. I had not considered any other life away from him. Infact, my life was on hold so I could fit into his. And all of a sudden, I was rejected. That was a vicious kick to the gut. I went on smiling and being a commando, letting the world know I was fine, but inside I was a mess. How could I go on without him? I knew I could, but I knew I would never be the same.
I begged... Oh I begged!!! But three times more, he rejected me. I could not reconcile the cruel man he was being to the wonderful man I loved for years.

All these memories have flooded me again from that dark corner where I kept them sealed up. I cried for only one day then and continued my life with a deep pain that never truly left. I think I was wrong to do that. I did not follow the normal grieving process. I did not let my hurt out. And now, I wallow in it as if it were yesterday.

I wonder who he is loving now. I wonder if some other lady has those kids we talked about having. I wonder if she cooks his favorite meal as spicy as he likes it. I wonder if she is silly with him? Does she make him smile? Do they crack sport jokes like we used to? Does he still wear my bracelet round his wrist? Does he know I still miss him?