OPPA GANGNAM!!!

 Why people like to dey find my mouth so, ehn?

Life stays giving me plenty gist for y'all without me even trying. Now that I think on it some more, not such a bad deal. Imagine if life were predictable? I'd cry myself to sleep every minute!!!

Anyhoo... Hello darlings!!! It's Tuesday, Yo!!!!! Friday night fever creeping into every pore I possess, makes me want to jump up on my desk and do the quick-step! (No, I don't do the "gangnam". Yet. I'm waiting for either Rih-Rih or Beyonce to "sexify" the dance. I've got an image to preserve. Then again, I saw Heidi do the Gangnam at the EMA’s and she’s as HOT as it gets so I have to learn that dance now, hehe!) Friday is still a couple of days away but don’t blame a girl for being optimistic.

E-hen, back to the gist I want to give you. I got home yesterday evening after a quick stop at Orela Grill to pick up my dinner (mashed potatoes and well-done steak), quickly parked the car and was running to the elevator when a neighbor (Adeola) stopped me and the following conversation ensued:

ADEOLA: "Chickito!!! Just a minute, jor. How now? (Who still says "chickito" btw?)"

 ME: "I'm good, very tired though. Where's the fire? What's up? (This, in a very bored and impatient tone)

 ADEOLA: "Fire ke? (Cackles) hahahaha. You and your humor ehn... You are very funny. There's no fire. You do look very tired. Pele oh, you hear? Sorry."

 ME: "Thank you. What do you want oh, Adeola?"

 ADEOLA: "Oh, Ah yes!! Ermm... Well, I met with some of the other women in the estate this afternoon over lunch."

 Somehow she catches sight of my bag from Orela...

 ADEOLA: "Ah! Orela!!! I like their food so much!!! (You like food, 'Deola. Simple!) Their steak is so juicy and well-spiced, makes me salivate even now. Is there enough for two there, by any chance?"

 (Huh?!?!)

 ME: "No Adeola, just enough for me. I didn't know I had to buy for the building as well as me. What did you want to talk about, nwanyi?! I'm tired and need to get to my apartment!"

 ADEOLA: Oh, sorry jare, my dear. I tend to get distracted a lot. My husband is always complaining about it. So embarrassing, I tell you. No vex, you hear? Okay, so we all got together over lunch and we all talked about you."

 

(Like seriously, what's new?)

 

ADEOLA: "We are all fascinated by your fabulous body and we see you go out in your car every saturday morning dressed for sports. We were wondering if we could entice you into joining all of us on a neighborhood jog every saturday starting at 6am. You seem to be the pro. You could teach us a thing or two"

 (FoodieNeighborBotheringMeSayWhatttt????)

 Me, jog? These women have got to be kidding me!!! Hahahahahaha!!!! Laugh no gree me. I practically choked laughing. This was a hilarious moment. Me, JOG????

 

Suffice it to say, I politely convinced her that I'm not the best running mate they could have. Abeg, I cannot shout! Hahahahahahaha!!! This is me laughing in a mix of chinese and abiriba!!! Jog kor, crawl ni!!!

 Okay, I'm off to actually get some work done to justify this month’s salary. I will be going to Sailors Lounge with some of my girls later this evening for FREEDOM HALL. Perfect evening to check out our LaS GiDi competition and drool over the hotties, but most importantly appreciate the arts!

Get out there, kiss someone random, drink some vodka... Have some fun!!

 

Bisous, XoXo

 

MIZ

The Reign of the "Tus", A Blog-Terview, A Blog Baton & A Grateful Miz!TOIN!!!!!!

I have been away for  far too long and I know this. Gosh, I missed gisting with you!!! That was one break too long!!!

Hi darlings!!!

Today has been quite hilarious through no fault of its own but for an odd quirk of fate and its insane sense of humor!
I met 4 guys at different times and in different places with the names: Sixtus, Quintus, Erastus, and wait for it... JUVENTUS!!!
Now let me describe them...

SIXTUS: Tall, fat, full facial beard, serious bow leg and pearly-white teeth.
QUINTUS: short, fat, bald head, droopy shoulders and slimy lips.
ERASTUS: short, reed-thin, bushy moustache, permed/ jerry-curled hair, beady eyes, thin smile.
JUVENTUS: tall, well-built, broad-shoulders, extra-large feet, Peter-rabbit teeth, K-legs, nice fingers, yellowing teeth with constant spittle flights... ermm... ewww???

Now close your eyes, imagine them individually. Then picture them cock-sure and arrogant except for Juventus whose shyness can save Africa and neighboring continents..
Definitely a day that had me laughing what with all 4 of them trying their hardest to hit on me. I guess this is an apology of sorts to them. I kept laughing and that was not fair, I think. hehehe

So, a baton was passed to me by Lisa Bouchard and I am to tell 11 random facts about me, answer 11 of her questions, then ask 11 other bloggers 11 questions.
Well, here goes:

11 Random Facts About Me
A) I am addicted to coffee (black/creamed)
B) I am a hopeful Romantic
C) I once owned a monkey my siblings and I named "Bobby"
D) I hate horror movies
E) I have some serious OCD
F) I love bananas and plantains
G) I have an incurable sweet tooth
H) I was considered a nerd in high school
I) I sometimes perform live shows to my stuffed animals and my pet "baby. I "sing" like Whitney, "dance" like Shakira, and of course, I applaud myself with a glass of champagne!
J) I have always believed in Labels/ Brands. they became that for a reason, after-all. So, if it isn't a Manolo Blahnik, forget it!! I won't do a plain Jane.
K) The only exercise I do is to clean my home but I have an active gym membership and I show up every saturday!!! money no go waste na!

There you have it!!! 11 random facts about moi!!! On to Lisa's questions, hehehe. Enjoy darlings!

What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever purchased that you didn’t need?
A: A power-bike
Where would you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?
A: church! Lol
What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever named a pet?
A: Chuckles. I loved that dog of mine. It was so clumsy
Karaoke: fun bar experience or the demise of modern society?
A: absolutely fun experience!!! I sing like a toad with a bone stuck in its throat
Describe your ideal vacation.
A: white sand, blue seas, cool breezes, cocktails, large malls, bliss...
What’s your favorite thing to learn about and why?
A: I actually enjoy learning about nature. New things everyday that simply amaze me!
Heels or flats?
A: Definitely heels!! The higher the better.
What’s your favorite game?
A: Under-pressure/ Puzzles
How many books do you read in a year?
A: I keep reading. I never stop. No specific number
What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
A: I love my mojitos!!
Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
A: Closed. I have a walk-in closet and I do not like open doors while I sleep.

And on to MY questions that I will pass on to 11 bloggers...

• 1) What can freak you out absolutely?
• 2) Who do you consider the biggest fashion brand ever?
• 3) How would you describe your sense of humor?
• 4) What motivates you?
• 5) Knicker-briefs or thongs?
• 6) Politics/ Religion: which would you rather discuss for a heated argument?
• 7) What good deed have you done lately?
• 8) Are you a fun person? Seriously.
• 9) Are you emotionally expressive?
• 10) Are you bored yet?
• 11) What does your closet say about you?

Woo-hoo!!!! I cannot wait to see all the answers. I'm passing this baton to:

a) TOINLICIOUS
b) SHEILA SPEAKS
c) LOLA-X
d) BWNG
e) SISI YEMMIE
f) John Doe
g) Lady Ngo
h) Agirlshouldbetwothings
i) ROLEX RELEASE
j) Aeedeeaee
k) Miss pf







Bisous mi darlings,

XoXo,

MIZ

TAKE A BREATH... Meowwww!!!!!

Hello Darlings!

Allow me to start this post with a huge disclaimer... I LOVE GARFIELD! I do and I say that freely with no streak of dishonesty. Who wouldn't? He hates Mondays, loves lasagne, hates exercise like I do, chooses what he wants to do and does not raise a finger to do what he doesn't and best of all... exists only in my TV!

That said, I am not a cat person. They freak me out! They have the cute ones like the Persians that can be adorable balls of fur, I know. With all that soft fur that they sometimes delight in rubbing all over your leg. I admit that. However, if you are a sincere Nigerian that has been witness to so many Nollywood movies depicting said cats as transformed human witches, you'd totally agree with my fear. I once saw a woman being chased transform into a cat while I was still in secondary school. If na you nko? You'd still cuddle them? I can't shout when it comes to cats oh! Especially all these "loki" cats all over Naija that are almost always colored black with devil-green eyes that steadily watch you (Mental shake-down), I just can't deal.

Anyway, the gist I'm about to give you is not even remotely funny. It was downright scary and I feared for my life. Truly.
I was invited to a party at Ilashe private beach with Ivy and her latest Naija bobo. Yes, she's in town again so life is one huge waka! Apparently he owns a beach house there and trust me to get all excited! Bikini, sunglasses, martini bianco and endless blue water... sighhhh

The show started as the boat started its cruise to Ilashe. I was having my own personal photo shoot with a willing guest as the photographer and of course he's male. In my bid to strike a pose I always see in magazines, I went to lean out over the rail on the upper deck of the boat and almost found myself in the water! One minute I had a tiny smile on my upturned lips and lowered eyelids with one leg slightly raised and the next minute, I felt the boat lurch as it hit a wave or something and I felt myself falling backward then forward again as my photographer quickly saved me from falling into the water and dying of fright!

Well, I decided to respect myself after that and go below deck to stay and forget about watching the water as we cruised. I quickly poured myself some brandy and started to read the novel I brought with me. I had not even read one line when I felt something soft brush against my leg and then the next instant, it was on my laps. I screamed!!! And in the process of screaming, choked on the brandy I had just tried to drink. I looked down and saw not one, not two, but three cats looking at me curiously with green eyes with one picking itself off the floor and glaring at me with a "meow" after I had unceremoniously dropped it on the floor in my haste to stand.

Then I was running with tears pouring down my face and fire burning down my throat and into my belly. Everybody ran down to see what was up and of course, I collided with them and we all fell in one big heap which gave one imperious cat the audacity to come lick my face. Oh My God... if anything, I screamed louder than ever before! Then the rest of the group realized what was freaking me out and started laughing at me rather loudly. I didn't find that funny one bit and demanded the boat turn around and drop me back at the jetty! Of course I did not get my wish. Their nerve!!

I had no choice but to go back up and sit with my legs raised. Anxiously looking around to be sure no cat came up to terrorise me as well as holding myself so rigid so I don't fall into the water for real. I wanted to cry, how could all this have been happening to ME???? I am the queen of elegance and poise. All in less than 30 minutes too! I was mortified and so grateful when the boat anchored at Ilashe. I could finally regain my dignity and try to have some fun which is exactly what I was doing when I joined Mina and Franque on the quad bike to ride across the beach. Mina and I sat by Franque's side and screamed at the top of our voices all the way. Franque was riding like he was competing in the Grand Prix... he was FASTTTT and I was loving it. We spurred him on to go even faster. The adrenaline rush was insane and we were laughing so hard!

Up until I found myself unceremoniously flying through the air and then rolling in the sand! No no no... not again! I picked myself up and through sand-filled eyes, saw Mina in the sand as well. This was good!!! I could not help it, I burst into wild laughter holding my sides and simultaneously trying to cough out the sand that had filled my mouth. I had it everywhere... in my mouth, my eyes, my hair, my body, in my bikini!!
Apparently Mina had tried to alert Franque to my fall and fallen off when he made a quick turn to come help me up. This cracked me up even more, I won't even lie. We got back on the bike and demanded some more of the fun but Franque insisted on taking us back to the beach house for a shower and  a swim to wash away all the sand... as if! Spoil sport!!!

I did not realise what had happened for real till I got back home and could not raise my arm which I had used to brace my fall. My neck was stiff and I had bruises on my side, on my lips and just above it. Drat!!! Now THAT, was no fun I can guarantee you!
Thanks to that, I declined a beach picnic invite at Eleko from Somi for today. I dey craze? Them send them? Kilode?!

Bisous darlings,

MIZ

I don't Know What You Heard

My post title reminds me of 50 Cents song : "I don't know what you heard about me, but no binsh ain't get no dollar outta me..."

Now, I am no dude but no way I'm letting myself become a classic Mumu for some babe "Oloun maje!" I don't live in Lagos to count bridges and refuse to give away my hard earned cash to some "olosi-omo" which by the way, means Foolish child, for those who don't understand Yoruba here. I have a few friends that should rather be referred to as leeches. They want to crash in your house, they want to eat your food, drive your car, wear your clothes, shop on your tab, matter of fact... They want to live off of you! I don't get it though. Men think there are gold diggers? Let's look at it this way, the men get to take a dip in their cherry pots, yes? In my opinion, that is called "trade by barter". As a stupid lecturer once told me, scratch my back, I scratch your back. However, what do you call ladies that live off their fellow women and of course bed-matics aren't involved in this annoying game. They eat you out of food and house, follow you shopping and of course... You pay! They order this and that and charge it to you because the creditors know you and are not bothered giving out stuff supposedly for you. And because you have a reputation to protect, of course you pay!

Yes, I dey vex. I recently had to throw one such twat out of my house. The way the babe take move in sef, na like film trick wey never clear for my eye. I got a call telling me a sob story about how she just got laid off at work and of course, she no longer feels safe in abuja seeing as how the last bomb blast hit quite close to her house. She was running scared and needed to relocate to Lagos and I'm sort of her only friend here in Lagos. As better babe that I am, I agreed when she asked to stay in my home for one month to enable her get a place of her own. My darling, na so one month take grow belle oh! Babe stayed and refused to leave. I dropped so many hints, I'd always buy her the latest Castle magazine and even circle the options within her budget. Babe no gree take hint. It would have been bearable assuming she hadn't somewhat forgotten that I'm not her boyfriend in whose home she can Lounge in with a chef to prepare her meals, and a steward to clean up after her mess. She drops clothes everywhere, plates of unfinished food lying around, all sorts of annoying rubbish. She won't cook to save her life, and house work isn't in her dictionary... Uh uhn. I go shopping with the girls and of course she comes along and carries this woebegone look that has us paying for her purchases as well because bish hasn't got a job to pay her bills. We go out for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever... Of course she does not bring a kobo to contribute yet she must have ordered twice as much as well as double desserts. And while I'm away at work trying to earn my money, she stays home eating me out of the house and watching all the re-runs of America's Next Top Model, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians, of course. What happened to looking for her own apartment and a new job?

Anyway, I got pissed off and had to send her packing. I came back home and she wasn't there which turned out to be a short-lived relief because before I could even relax and stretch out my tired body, I heard people right outside my door apparently making out and then the door opens to give me an unrestricted view of my "friend's" bum held tightly by a masculine hand and his mouth fastened to hers while her hand was lost somewhere in his jeans...

That was just too much! I stood up and they didn't even acknowledge my presence. I marched to the guest bedroom where she'd been staying, brought out her suitcases, flung her clothes and shoes into them and the ones that couldn't go in, I threw them into shopping bags. I dragged them out to the living room door, walked up to her kneeling in front of him doing ish, and dragged her all the way to the door. I hope she didn't bite something significant on bros while I pulled her, though that would only serve them right. I was on an indignant roll!! Without even speaking a word, I kicked her, her bags, and her booty call straight out of my house! I don't invite men into MY house and I expressly told her this. Where did she get off inviting a virtual stranger to my house at a few minutes past 10pm???? If she dey craze, make she no bring craze come my side oh!!

TORY FOR GET BOW-LEG

First things first, my chic market don sell ohhhh!!!!!!! Hahahahahhaa. Her words exactly. Congratulations on your engagement, Sisi Yemmie darling!! Babe, shine eye hold your bobo well ohhh!!!! Babes dey vexxxxx... their eyes be like thief own!!

So my people, how una dey? Una full ground?? I spent all of last night channelling my inner razzness and grooving to Shina Peters' songs as well as Bright Chimezie's songs. Kai... to be razz na the way ohhhh!!!!! I moved my waist like I had no bones in them and shook that booty till I had the men sweating rivers, hehehehe.

"E bami jijo Shina Peters... omoge show me your back! Jiggy left, jiggy right, were were... Oppressor!!!"

I am still mentally grooving, I swear! Solid afro-juju and high-life music!! So, Ivy came into town last week and is responsible for last night. An uncle of hers was celebrating his 50th birthday and Gosh was it big!!! All the top owambe goers of Lagos were in attendance. Those you only see in City People... hehe!!!

Anyway, that is not my gist for you today. The gist I have ehhh... e get bow-leg!!!! Hmmmnnn...

A vacancy recently opened in my office but hasn't been thrown open to the public. Members of staff are being given the opportunity to apply and be considered for it. A top management post oh.  After reading the memo, I gathered my I-pad and stuff to go for a meeting at a client's office. The drama started downstairs.

"Miz... please wait!!!! I wan discuss something." A middle-aged woman whom I recognized as one of the cleaners, shouted as I was about to get into the car.

"Madam Glory, better dey for me? How far?" I asked

"I hear as some people inside office dey discuss job wey don open for here. Na im I wan follow you talk. Abeg you fit tell me who dey leave?"


"Oh that... sure. The COO is finally retiring so we need someone to fill his shoes."


"Ah, talk true!! If na that one, I wan apply. Abeg, you go fit help me draft the letter, abi? The earlier the better so another person no go take the job." She finished with a huge smile. I could see the joy in her eyes

"YOU, wan apply? Are you kidding me right now?" My eyes had grown wide as saucers and it was the total incredulity of it all that kept me from laughing out loud.

"Yes now, I fit do that job. Do am well sef pass COO himself. No be to wear fine cloth, talk better English, attend meeting, write plenty things for that computer? You go fit teach me how to use am now, abi? If not, I fit pay for one computer school like that wey dey near my house. The job no hard like that and you know say me I be dedicated worker. No be me win most dedicated and industrious lower level staff since 2009 till now? No be me?? People too dey under-estimate me oh! Abi you think say I no wan wear... wetin you call am again, sef- Jimmy Shoe and Rubiton? I wan dey earn better salary like you oh!!!" OMG, that was Louboutin she just murdered!!!!

"Ermm... Madam Glory, wait make I come back from this meeting then we fit continue this discussion, you hear?" I cajoled

"No wahala, but you go help me abi you no go help me?" She demanded to know

"I go help you, no worry. Make I go come." I quickly dashed into the car and zoomed away.

I swear, tory don carry bow leg carry pikin join am. Whatttttt!!!!!!!!! More gist later, darlings!!!

XoXo,

MIZ