TAKE A BREATH... Meowwww!!!!!

Hello Darlings!

Allow me to start this post with a huge disclaimer... I LOVE GARFIELD! I do and I say that freely with no streak of dishonesty. Who wouldn't? He hates Mondays, loves lasagne, hates exercise like I do, chooses what he wants to do and does not raise a finger to do what he doesn't and best of all... exists only in my TV!

That said, I am not a cat person. They freak me out! They have the cute ones like the Persians that can be adorable balls of fur, I know. With all that soft fur that they sometimes delight in rubbing all over your leg. I admit that. However, if you are a sincere Nigerian that has been witness to so many Nollywood movies depicting said cats as transformed human witches, you'd totally agree with my fear. I once saw a woman being chased transform into a cat while I was still in secondary school. If na you nko? You'd still cuddle them? I can't shout when it comes to cats oh! Especially all these "loki" cats all over Naija that are almost always colored black with devil-green eyes that steadily watch you (Mental shake-down), I just can't deal.

Anyway, the gist I'm about to give you is not even remotely funny. It was downright scary and I feared for my life. Truly.
I was invited to a party at Ilashe private beach with Ivy and her latest Naija bobo. Yes, she's in town again so life is one huge waka! Apparently he owns a beach house there and trust me to get all excited! Bikini, sunglasses, martini bianco and endless blue water... sighhhh

The show started as the boat started its cruise to Ilashe. I was having my own personal photo shoot with a willing guest as the photographer and of course he's male. In my bid to strike a pose I always see in magazines, I went to lean out over the rail on the upper deck of the boat and almost found myself in the water! One minute I had a tiny smile on my upturned lips and lowered eyelids with one leg slightly raised and the next minute, I felt the boat lurch as it hit a wave or something and I felt myself falling backward then forward again as my photographer quickly saved me from falling into the water and dying of fright!

Well, I decided to respect myself after that and go below deck to stay and forget about watching the water as we cruised. I quickly poured myself some brandy and started to read the novel I brought with me. I had not even read one line when I felt something soft brush against my leg and then the next instant, it was on my laps. I screamed!!! And in the process of screaming, choked on the brandy I had just tried to drink. I looked down and saw not one, not two, but three cats looking at me curiously with green eyes with one picking itself off the floor and glaring at me with a "meow" after I had unceremoniously dropped it on the floor in my haste to stand.

Then I was running with tears pouring down my face and fire burning down my throat and into my belly. Everybody ran down to see what was up and of course, I collided with them and we all fell in one big heap which gave one imperious cat the audacity to come lick my face. Oh My God... if anything, I screamed louder than ever before! Then the rest of the group realized what was freaking me out and started laughing at me rather loudly. I didn't find that funny one bit and demanded the boat turn around and drop me back at the jetty! Of course I did not get my wish. Their nerve!!

I had no choice but to go back up and sit with my legs raised. Anxiously looking around to be sure no cat came up to terrorise me as well as holding myself so rigid so I don't fall into the water for real. I wanted to cry, how could all this have been happening to ME???? I am the queen of elegance and poise. All in less than 30 minutes too! I was mortified and so grateful when the boat anchored at Ilashe. I could finally regain my dignity and try to have some fun which is exactly what I was doing when I joined Mina and Franque on the quad bike to ride across the beach. Mina and I sat by Franque's side and screamed at the top of our voices all the way. Franque was riding like he was competing in the Grand Prix... he was FASTTTT and I was loving it. We spurred him on to go even faster. The adrenaline rush was insane and we were laughing so hard!

Up until I found myself unceremoniously flying through the air and then rolling in the sand! No no no... not again! I picked myself up and through sand-filled eyes, saw Mina in the sand as well. This was good!!! I could not help it, I burst into wild laughter holding my sides and simultaneously trying to cough out the sand that had filled my mouth. I had it everywhere... in my mouth, my eyes, my hair, my body, in my bikini!!
Apparently Mina had tried to alert Franque to my fall and fallen off when he made a quick turn to come help me up. This cracked me up even more, I won't even lie. We got back on the bike and demanded some more of the fun but Franque insisted on taking us back to the beach house for a shower and  a swim to wash away all the sand... as if! Spoil sport!!!

I did not realise what had happened for real till I got back home and could not raise my arm which I had used to brace my fall. My neck was stiff and I had bruises on my side, on my lips and just above it. Drat!!! Now THAT, was no fun I can guarantee you!
Thanks to that, I declined a beach picnic invite at Eleko from Somi for today. I dey craze? Them send them? Kilode?!

Bisous darlings,

MIZ

I don't Know What You Heard

My post title reminds me of 50 Cents song : "I don't know what you heard about me, but no binsh ain't get no dollar outta me..."

Now, I am no dude but no way I'm letting myself become a classic Mumu for some babe "Oloun maje!" I don't live in Lagos to count bridges and refuse to give away my hard earned cash to some "olosi-omo" which by the way, means Foolish child, for those who don't understand Yoruba here. I have a few friends that should rather be referred to as leeches. They want to crash in your house, they want to eat your food, drive your car, wear your clothes, shop on your tab, matter of fact... They want to live off of you! I don't get it though. Men think there are gold diggers? Let's look at it this way, the men get to take a dip in their cherry pots, yes? In my opinion, that is called "trade by barter". As a stupid lecturer once told me, scratch my back, I scratch your back. However, what do you call ladies that live off their fellow women and of course bed-matics aren't involved in this annoying game. They eat you out of food and house, follow you shopping and of course... You pay! They order this and that and charge it to you because the creditors know you and are not bothered giving out stuff supposedly for you. And because you have a reputation to protect, of course you pay!

Yes, I dey vex. I recently had to throw one such twat out of my house. The way the babe take move in sef, na like film trick wey never clear for my eye. I got a call telling me a sob story about how she just got laid off at work and of course, she no longer feels safe in abuja seeing as how the last bomb blast hit quite close to her house. She was running scared and needed to relocate to Lagos and I'm sort of her only friend here in Lagos. As better babe that I am, I agreed when she asked to stay in my home for one month to enable her get a place of her own. My darling, na so one month take grow belle oh! Babe stayed and refused to leave. I dropped so many hints, I'd always buy her the latest Castle magazine and even circle the options within her budget. Babe no gree take hint. It would have been bearable assuming she hadn't somewhat forgotten that I'm not her boyfriend in whose home she can Lounge in with a chef to prepare her meals, and a steward to clean up after her mess. She drops clothes everywhere, plates of unfinished food lying around, all sorts of annoying rubbish. She won't cook to save her life, and house work isn't in her dictionary... Uh uhn. I go shopping with the girls and of course she comes along and carries this woebegone look that has us paying for her purchases as well because bish hasn't got a job to pay her bills. We go out for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever... Of course she does not bring a kobo to contribute yet she must have ordered twice as much as well as double desserts. And while I'm away at work trying to earn my money, she stays home eating me out of the house and watching all the re-runs of America's Next Top Model, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians, of course. What happened to looking for her own apartment and a new job?

Anyway, I got pissed off and had to send her packing. I came back home and she wasn't there which turned out to be a short-lived relief because before I could even relax and stretch out my tired body, I heard people right outside my door apparently making out and then the door opens to give me an unrestricted view of my "friend's" bum held tightly by a masculine hand and his mouth fastened to hers while her hand was lost somewhere in his jeans...

That was just too much! I stood up and they didn't even acknowledge my presence. I marched to the guest bedroom where she'd been staying, brought out her suitcases, flung her clothes and shoes into them and the ones that couldn't go in, I threw them into shopping bags. I dragged them out to the living room door, walked up to her kneeling in front of him doing ish, and dragged her all the way to the door. I hope she didn't bite something significant on bros while I pulled her, though that would only serve them right. I was on an indignant roll!! Without even speaking a word, I kicked her, her bags, and her booty call straight out of my house! I don't invite men into MY house and I expressly told her this. Where did she get off inviting a virtual stranger to my house at a few minutes past 10pm???? If she dey craze, make she no bring craze come my side oh!!

TORY FOR GET BOW-LEG

First things first, my chic market don sell ohhhh!!!!!!! Hahahahahhaa. Her words exactly. Congratulations on your engagement, Sisi Yemmie darling!! Babe, shine eye hold your bobo well ohhh!!!! Babes dey vexxxxx... their eyes be like thief own!!

So my people, how una dey? Una full ground?? I spent all of last night channelling my inner razzness and grooving to Shina Peters' songs as well as Bright Chimezie's songs. Kai... to be razz na the way ohhhh!!!!! I moved my waist like I had no bones in them and shook that booty till I had the men sweating rivers, hehehehe.

"E bami jijo Shina Peters... omoge show me your back! Jiggy left, jiggy right, were were... Oppressor!!!"

I am still mentally grooving, I swear! Solid afro-juju and high-life music!! So, Ivy came into town last week and is responsible for last night. An uncle of hers was celebrating his 50th birthday and Gosh was it big!!! All the top owambe goers of Lagos were in attendance. Those you only see in City People... hehe!!!

Anyway, that is not my gist for you today. The gist I have ehhh... e get bow-leg!!!! Hmmmnnn...

A vacancy recently opened in my office but hasn't been thrown open to the public. Members of staff are being given the opportunity to apply and be considered for it. A top management post oh.  After reading the memo, I gathered my I-pad and stuff to go for a meeting at a client's office. The drama started downstairs.

"Miz... please wait!!!! I wan discuss something." A middle-aged woman whom I recognized as one of the cleaners, shouted as I was about to get into the car.

"Madam Glory, better dey for me? How far?" I asked

"I hear as some people inside office dey discuss job wey don open for here. Na im I wan follow you talk. Abeg you fit tell me who dey leave?"


"Oh that... sure. The COO is finally retiring so we need someone to fill his shoes."


"Ah, talk true!! If na that one, I wan apply. Abeg, you go fit help me draft the letter, abi? The earlier the better so another person no go take the job." She finished with a huge smile. I could see the joy in her eyes

"YOU, wan apply? Are you kidding me right now?" My eyes had grown wide as saucers and it was the total incredulity of it all that kept me from laughing out loud.

"Yes now, I fit do that job. Do am well sef pass COO himself. No be to wear fine cloth, talk better English, attend meeting, write plenty things for that computer? You go fit teach me how to use am now, abi? If not, I fit pay for one computer school like that wey dey near my house. The job no hard like that and you know say me I be dedicated worker. No be me win most dedicated and industrious lower level staff since 2009 till now? No be me?? People too dey under-estimate me oh! Abi you think say I no wan wear... wetin you call am again, sef- Jimmy Shoe and Rubiton? I wan dey earn better salary like you oh!!!" OMG, that was Louboutin she just murdered!!!!

"Ermm... Madam Glory, wait make I come back from this meeting then we fit continue this discussion, you hear?" I cajoled

"No wahala, but you go help me abi you no go help me?" She demanded to know

"I go help you, no worry. Make I go come." I quickly dashed into the car and zoomed away.

I swear, tory don carry bow leg carry pikin join am. Whatttttt!!!!!!!!! More gist later, darlings!!!

XoXo,

MIZ

THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

It is a blessing to be a mother. A dream every woman harbours and I am no exception. I want to know the feel of a baby in my belly, the first kick... I want my baby to know the sound of my voice right from my womb. I want to feel my baby's tiny fingers wrap around mine. Watch the toothless smile guaranteed to turn me to jelly. Experience the first steps. Cry when my baby goes off to school for the first time, graduates from school, and become an adult. That day would hurt because my baby would no longer be a baby, but I swear, would always be my baby. Just like I am my mothers'.

My dear mother... I have never told you about her, have I? My mother is one-of-a-kind, and no, I do not say this because she is my mother. I say this because it is true. My mother is a classic definition of insane. I am amazed that I am not as crazy as she. I know what you are thinking... "Your entire family is freaking insane. Your world is classic insanity!" And honey, all I'd say is-

"Preach baby, PREACH!!!!! You aint never lied" hahaha!!! We called my mom "GENERAL" because that is exactly what she was. Funny how age mellows one. I can't believe my mom can stay without bellowing her anger at a poor unfortunate soul that luckily was never any of her kids. Be that as it may, the fact that we saw her in action a lot frightened us into always "Obeying without complaint".
My mom never allowed any injustice against any member of her family. She'd lead the war-path in her white shorts, bandanna tied on her head, and fire blazing from her eyes.
My mom participated fully during the biafran war, if the tales I hear are right. Maybe the tales are bogus but who cares? It made for great stories back in school.

I remember when the Ikeja bomb blast ish happened!!! Oh dear Lord... my mom went into full combat mode. She went to wear her white shorts, NIKE trainers, and face-cap. My dad was somewhere in Asia on business then.

"Ahmed!!! Open the gate!!! Ndidi, get me my riding gear and when I leave, pack some clothes into light bags. Then she turned to me- Baby, you people might have to travel so I need you to go to the safe and get your passports, but wait for my call before you make any moves. There is cash in there as well to purchase tickets. Dare will drive you if that happens. I am riding out now to see what is going on. Sounds like a war about to start!! This was how Biafran war started. Those are bombs exploding. I will call you for further instructions. God forbid that my children will experience war like I did. Tufiakwa!!! Chukwu a gha ekwe!!! Many months of carrying you people! 9 months each!!! AHMEDDDDD!!!!! I said Open The Gate!!! I love you baby, I love all of you!"

Then she secured her helmet on her head, revved her bike and off she went (Yes, she rode a power-bike!). Where to was what I kept wondering. What did she intend to do if truly a war had started? I was still pondering this question when she returned crying hysterically. I was lost, I had no idea what to do so I just hugged her and cried along having no clue as to the reason for our tears, but hey!! If it could make my mama cry, then I needed to cry as well. Maybe the world had ended around us all!!!

Then she comported herself...

"You are all safe! My babies are all safe... God be praised! Say AMEN, baby!! Say it... LOUD!!! (I just kept shouting amen and amen!). She put some music on and said "Let's dance! Call everyone! Dance!!! God has decreed that I will not lose my babies today. Bomb blast in Ikeja but not war... many people dying inside a canal but my babies are all here!!! I was scared! So scared... where is your daddy? My babies are fine ohhh..." Then she started crying again

That was the first time I saw my mother cry and I will never forget the love I felt emanating from her. It was stronger than anything I had ever imagined. How then do I forget my mothers' love? When she has prodded me on through thick and thin. I took my knee scrapes and heartbreaks to her. The best of my best friends. The wind beneath my wings!

Happy Mothers' day to all great mothers out there!!! Your value knows no bounds. You are the link that keeps our souls together. The tender wind that carries us through the rough times.
Sometimes we all forget to say the little things- like how much someone means to us, the joy their presence brings. Let us all use today to pay tribute to our mothers!!!

XoXo,

MIZ

CHAMPAGNE FLUTES UP!!!

Will telling you that I have been in quite an overwhelming place make any difference when I apologize for my prolonged absence? Work has been crazy and my personal life... I guess I haven't been Mary Poppins "happy." Oh well...

So yeah... I really am sorry for having been away for so long. I cannot even tell you how many times I have started to type and then stopped. I sort of lost my mojo for a while and I am only slowly beginning to reclaim it.

The gist "boku" for my end oh... where do I start? Hmmnnnn... Okay!! Seeing as yesterday was Int'l Women's day, I'm going to share a story hailing Women!!

Y'all know how I stay and gist comes looking for me, yeah? E-hen... I was on my own oh, not in any way looking for gist when as usual, it dropped right into my sexy thighs! I was at Vixen's house having fun in our GIRLS LINGERIE PARTY when we had a loud banging on her door. Personally, I no go lie, fear catch me oh! After my new year's eve experience, I get pretty jittery FAST!! I thought we were about to be invaded and robbed or worse... and I was in lingerie too!!!
Suffice it to say, I simply had my mind in overdrive because when Vixen opened her door to her friend- Omolara, it was not robbers I saw but a female that had my jaw go slack in surprise.

"Whaddahell?!!?! Omolara... what happened to you?! Are you alright? What is wrong?!!" Vixen screamed.
 "I will be once I have undiluted liquor in my system and you stop looking at me like I am a banshee or something. Sup babes, how una dey? See how you are all staring at me... hahahaha!!! Abeg I no fit shout... if I gist una wetin happen today ehn... Chei!! Na so Omolara for take go today oh!! Alcohol please!"
We were about 6 ladies in the room and we were all dumbstruck and slack jawed staring at Omolara. I knew the gist won't come till she had her alcohol so I quickly poured her a generous shot of vodka to hasten the gist telling. Don't blame me but I poured her yet another the minute she dropped her glass.

"Oya, what happened now? You have enough alcohol and I'll be your personal bartender today, as long as you start talking. Is vodka okay? You want whiskey?" Somehow I knew this gist would be worth it.
"Hahaha... My dear, Nollywood has got nothing on me. I am a Star!! Vixen, I told you I was going to see alhaji today abi? Well, I was giving him one of my signature massages and was just about to procure the promise of a new car from him when we heard the honk of a car horn at his gate. Alhaji went to his window to check who it was and babe... it was Alhaja who was supposed to be in Maidugiri!! I almost peed on myself... whatttttt!!!! That's how Alhaji and I started running round and round the room looking for where I could hide. The door downstairs opened and this sudden calm fell over me..."

I was enjoying this gist. I always enjoy gists like this because it makes me marvel at the stupidity of chics. Why would you follow your aristo to his house na?! Well, the gist continues...

"I asked Alhaji to wear his clothes and corner her downstairs before she came up the stairs and into the room. He managed to make it downstairs while I stood rooted to the floor wondering how I'd make it out of the situation. I swear I did not know what I was doing when I grabbed Alhaji's babariga and wore it over my own clothes. I took white powder and foundation from my bag, mixed everything with water from the bathroom, and rubbed it all over every visible part of me. I threw my bag out the window and hoped that it wouldn't be seen dropping from the living room, and that Alhaji was still holding the forte downstairs. I rubbed it into my hair too, my poor brazilian! Then, I walked out and down the stairs. I was saying my last prayers inside oh... what I was about to do was take the high road to possible death. I had my hands spread wide like this..." Then she stood up to demonstrate for us. I wish I could do same for y'all but I am counting on your imagination to do the trick. Picture a Nollywood creepy ghost and you've got her pegged.

"There's this trick I learned as a child that came in over-useful! I rolled my pupils in and had only the whites showing like this (she demonstrated for us again... that made her look even scarier!) Alhaja was drinking something and watching TV... then she noticed me. She first rubbed her hands across her eyes and turned to Alhaji..."

Alhamdulilahi!! Alhaji... look! See that woman... who is she?

Who? Where?

There! Coming down the stairs now! There... look!! What do you mean "where"?

Walahi, I can't see any woman. Where? Let me check..."

Ehn... alhaji, no!!! Spirit!!! Hidina sirotal mustekim

"I almost burst into laughter even though my heart was frozen with fear! aya mi ti ja tan, Olorun oh!!! So well, while the poor woman was scared shitless thinking I was a ghost and holding her darling husband back from being possessed by a spirit, I walked out of the house and out the gate. If you see race wey I race once I got outside the gate ehn... na Olympic remain for me.  "

We were all in stitches laughing at this point... Whattttt!!!! See liver!!! She was lucky the woman no carry jazz if not them for do power tussle and as my ibo people would say...

"e nweta mpi labu, onye bu onye ike? evula bu onye ike!" (If you bring two he-goats, which is the strongest? The bullock!) Something like that sha.

As we were laughing, her phone rang and it turned out to be Alhaji...

"Speaker-phone! Speaker-phone!!" We all chanted, so she had no choice but to put the call on speaker-phone so we could all hear what he had to say.

"Kai, Lara you are a very clever girl!! Where did you come up with that idea? Genius!! I will buy you that car, walahi!!! Insha Allah, I will pamper you very well from today. Clever girl!!"

"So, she didn't suspect anything?" Omolara asked
"At all, she ran outside after you left and called our meiguard to ask if he saw you and he too said he didn't see anything. Walahi, she believes she saw ghost and she has left the house! Good!! I want her to relocate to maidugiri then I can have more time with you, Lara!! Clever girl...!!!"

Can you just imagine?!!! Abeg, my fellow women... shout out to all una jare!!! E no easy!!!! I am still very amazed! Happy Women's day!!!! To all them chicas playing the field... una too much! Champagne flutes up!!!

Hugs and hershey kisses,


MIZ