She IS CRAZYYYYY!!!!!

It's the 28th day of December already... **sigh** Hello darlings! How una dey? Una no distribute Christmas hamper? he-he, Just kidding.

Our annual Christmas family dinner this year was insane, I swear. One thing I am sure of, to be a member of this family you have to be able to take a drive down Insanity-ville!! You cannot survive otherwise. From grandpa down to the youngest babies, smh.

As I drove into my "Aunt Mildred's" drive-way, I could see three of my aunts clearly arguing over something and by God, they were blocking the drive-way and did not even move despite my several horn honks. I had to get down.

"Merry Christmas!!!! Ermm, last I checked cars still kill people or hurt them pretty well Oh! Why are you people blocking the drive-way now? What if I was Ihuaku who hardly looks where she's driving? I could have hit you guys!" I exclaimed


"Oya, enter your car and hit us now, silly child. By the way, I have always said Ihuaku should be banned from driving. How can somebody focus on everything else but the road she's driving on? She's pinging, she's making up, she's eating, she's on the phone... everything but the road! That girl is an accident waiting to happen and it's sad she's my daughter. I was never like that!" This, from my aunt Ola.

"He-he, the fruit never falls far from the tree now. Good-afternoon aunty Ola, aunty Ify, aunty Ije. Err..., so will you people just shift to the other side so I can drive through? I promised I would help Papa with some stuff and he's been calling me non-stop!"

Aunty Ola's look froze me on the spot... Chai!!!

"Help gini?! You are staying right here, nwanyi! And you are not moving that car an inch from where it is. Everybody that arrives will join us right here!! This my dear, is a mutiny. Patricia has decided she will do the cooking..."


"WHATTTT?????? Ah, I'm going home! I never ready to die. Last time she tried cooking, I had to over-dose on imodium and that is so not sexy! Besides, I have a hot date tomorrow. I can't go looking emaciated from food poisoning na!" I had to cut Aunty Ije shut. Aunt Patricia is my crazy aunt Mildred and while she's awesome at planning menus and pulling off exquisite lunches, dinners, whatever... she should never have a hand cooking 'em just in planning them. She's an awful cook, awful I tell you, simply and complicatedly awful!!

And to make matters worse, she imagines herself to be the saviour of gourmet chefs worldwide. Her concoctions are legendary, I tell you. She fancies herself a Cordon Bleu, to my horror and tummy grief.

"Relax, she is not doing any cooking. Why do you think we are here? To enjoy the hot sun? We are protesting and everyone would block her driveway and street with cars till she becomes reasonable and leaves the kitchen in capable hands that won't cook potty to run our stomachs."


**DEEP SIGH** 


And at that moment, 5 more cars drove in... okayyy!!! The troops are arriving and the war is about to start. Aunty Ify had been on the phone since I arrived, intimating everyone about what was going on and gathering the army.

It promised to be fun and all that but I stood the risk of severe sun burn standing under the sun. Shuo!! I did not even apply sunscreen before leaving my house. I decided to chill for 20 more minutes with the hopes that Aunty Patricia would cave in fast. Uncle Obi should just promise her something like he always does. Someone should please do something. Get her out of that kitchen and avoid disaster!!! Aaaarrrggghhhh...!!!!!

"Madame Miz... aunty fine girl!! The biggest Diva in town!! Asa nwa!! LaS GiDi's finest!!!" this heralded Adure's arrival. She's always hailing me. He-he

"Almost- bride!! My love, how now? I thought you were in Abuja and could not make it?"


"E-hen, so everybody would find reasons to kill me, abi? I can't shout oh! Wetin dem talk say momsy dey do? Hian ohhh!!!!" Adure is the only chic I know that speaks fluent pidgin with her totally British accent. I find it so adorable. Lol.

"Your mom has gone Ga-Ga on us oh!! She wants to poison the entire family with her cuisine africana a la European! I think you should go and threaten her with cancelling all her plans for the wedding and hiring an official planner instead. That should shake her up!!"

Little did I know just how genius my idea was because my aunt ran out of the kitchen with flour all over her hair!! Oh dear Lord, this woman is Cray!!!!

Before that happened though, we had 10 cars parked in protest with one blasting truly loud music. And I met with Aunty Patricia's friend's son whom she had told me about at The Four points when I ran into her. Apparently she disregarded my plea not to hook us up and invited him for our "Family" dinner. Did she forget the meaning of the word? I'm not really complaining though. The dude is Hot!!! And y'all know they used hot guys to do me. Tall hot guys are my mu-mu button. He-he. Poor dude though, he was made to stand outside with us and witness our insanity first-hand! This didn't affect my hot date the next day sha. Mba

You can bet the dinner was insane and I pitied the poor dude for being thrown into chaos without warning. Good thing though, the food turned out amazing after Aunt Patricia left the kitchen. i am tired of typing! I've been typing for an hour thanks to many interruptions. Got to go find something to eat, but first... I finally made a resolution thanks to the date Aunty Patricia brought for me. He kept asking me if I had made my new year resolutions and sounded aghast when I said I had not and that in turn exasperated me.

So well, my resolution for the new year is...

So go on and join me in my resolution!!

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Bon Noel

Merry Christmas everyone!!!! I love all of you and appreciate your constant support of my scribbles and constant drama. You are such gems and my inspiration to tatafo... hehe!!!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!

Crazy Aunt Mildred!!

How e be say trouble dey sleep, yanga go dey wake am? I wish I could say this saying describes my situation accurately but the truth is, I was sitting down calmly when trouble waka come find me. 

I took an early lunch yesterday and had just taken my first bite of the really good chicken when someone screamed my name so dramatically causing me to almost choke... WTH!!! I looked up to see my dad's sister coming straight at me with a wide-toothed grin and her cologne floating behind her. Her Brazilian hair extension almost made me choke again. It was down to her hips (bear in mind that this woman is in her 60s)!!!!

"Darling, how are you? Fancy seeing you here, you naughty naughty child!!! You never call and you do not even visit despite the fact that we live in the same Ikoyi. You should be spanked! Don't just sit there... get up and give me a hug!! Are you not glad to see me?" 

"Of course aunty, I'm glad to see you." (By God, the lunch was a bad bad idea!! Her tight hug was crushing my bones and squeezing the life out of me!) "What are you doing here aunty??"

"Oh, I am lodged here for today, so I decided to come down for lunch and who do I see but you?!" She trilled

"You and Uncle Obi had a disagreement?" I had to ask. She always does that when she has a quarrel with my uncle regarding something she wants. She packs a bag and heads to a top-scale hotel that has a good spa within or nearby

"Oh don't worry about it honey, he will come around before the end of today. He always does. It's about Adure's wedding present. I wish I could tell you what I want us to get her but it's supposed to be a surprise and seeing as how you are very close to her... hey Waiter!!!! I need my order taken! (Need I mention that she had settled in comfortably on the seat opposite mine?) He's just being stubborn. So tell me how you have been."

**sigh** I love my aunt to bits but she can deplete one's energy with her constant chatter. 

"Just work, aunty. Work and more work. You know how it gets especially at this time of year. We are closing old accounts and putting finishing touches to everything. Plus I'm on the planning committee for the Christmas party at work. It's all fun though!"

"Oh Lord, baby, you just reminded me that I haven't made any plans for our annual family Christmas dinner. I have to call your mom so we can iron out the details. So much to do what with the wedding too! Has Adure sent your aso-ebi material to you? Do you love it or do you love it?! I told her the colour was totally made for the both of you. It took us 2 whole weeks to decide on the right fabric and design, did she tell you?... Speaking of weddings, what is going on with you, nwanyi-oma? No man yet? When are you getting married?"

AH!! There goes the million-dollar question!!

My aunt never fails to ask this question each time we meet. She agonizes over it more than my poor mom could ever hope to do. It is an issue of constant grief to her. She has the chief role of making sure everyone in the family gets married at 21 **shudders**

"Ha-ha, I am quite certain you would have known if I was getting married, aunty. Nothing ever passes you by! You are too smart for that. Look, I have to run, aunty. I have already over-stayed my lunch hour by 20minutes and we have got deadlines to meet. I will come by the house this weekend, I promise." I stood up and went to air-kiss her but my aunt held my face before I could do that...

"I know a wonderful young man. From a very responsible home and he's got a very good job too. I will set up a date for you two." (Oh Hell NO!!! Pardon my French, but she's the same person that set me up on the blind date with that local champion... No way I'm giving her another opportunity!)

"No aunty, I have someone in my life right now. Really. You don't have to worry about me. I am fine! Bye aunty, Love you!"

I quickly made my exit and practically flew to the office.Every body must have a crazy aunt Mildred, and you just met mine!! She should walk around with a T-shirt like this everyday, really.

I am off to bed jare, sleep beckons.

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,
MIZ

All Hail The LASTMA people!!!

I had a run-in with LASTMA yesterday. If you live in Lagos, you know what this means. The terrorists of Las Gidi roads finally looked my way.


Goodmorning darlings!!! I hope you all had a beautiful weekend like I did.


Before I start today's gist, I'd like to extend my condolence to the family of my fellow blogger ROLEX. I'm so sorry for the loss. May she rest in peace and may God grant all of you that were close to her, the fortitude to bear the loss. God bless!!!

So, as I was gisting... I had a clash with LASTMA people or should I say they had a clash with me? Because according to Vixen and Somi, I am a gale to be reckoned with. A wave that crashes wildly against the shores. Lol. Na them dey craze. Hehe. 
Well, Somi, Vixen and I were going for a wedding at the BeSpoke Center, Lekki and I was driving (yes, Somi finally let go of her Range for a day, rubbish! yes, I'm beefing). I was doing a cool 140 and somehow, the traffic lights never caught me. We were on cruise control, baby! Then we got to that Oniru turning just before the Toll gate, and the light went red but it was too late to stop at that speed. Next thing I know, the LASTMA people jump on their motorcycle to pursue us... Shuo!!!
I slowed down and parked just after the toll gate and wound down...


"I'm so sorry about that, Oga. Abeg no vex. I didn't see the light turn red early enough to stop."


"All these young girls, all of you feel you can violate the law abi?" (He can speak English well! He knows "violate", wow! **crickets**)


"Not at all, oga. How na? We fit?"


Before I could say "Prada", one of them had opened one of the back doors and jumped in.


"You will follow us to our office. You must pay the fine!"


"Haba Oga, na heat dey do you? Why did you jump into my car like that? You need the airconditioning that bad or you just want to see how it feels riding in a car like this first hand?" I asked (I was mentally beating myself up for forgetting to lock the doors before driving)
As soon as I asked this, silly girls in my car started to laugh and this infuriated the officers.


"Give us your license! You will go to court! Rubbish. Idiots like you shouldn't own a car" The one outside made a grab for my keys just as I wound up and his arm got stuck. He saw Red!


"Assault!!! You have assaulted an officer!! Ahhh!!! Prostitute!! I will make sure you pay nothing less than N500k to collect this your car! You will go to jail."


"Oga be reasonable. There's no scratch on you. All I did was prevent you from grabbing my keys. That was a very rude move, you don't just move in on people and disrespect their personal space. Besides, my friend here saw your arm brush my boobs I'm sure. Didn' you, Somi? (She replied a big Yes) I can have you arrested for sexual harrassment, trust me. Let us see who ends up in jail by the time I'm done with you. Haba! I am a first time offender and instead of you both to let me off with a warning, you are threatening me and hating on me because I drive a cool car, abi? I know your number, people play it quite often." 


"Ehn? Sexual what?? Ah no no no!! Relax aunty. Calm down. It was not intentional oh. Who are you calling? Please wait... We can work this out. Just give us something for sunday 17:59. That is all. We don't need to fight now."


I could not help laughing out loud!


"Oga, na today? Okay, enter car let me give you men something"


As soon as the idiot joined his colleague in the car, I hit Autolock and sped off towards ajah. They were screaming and we were laughing!! This was a bad bad thing for me to have done but somebody needed to teach these Mofos a lesson. They always do this. They feel they can intimidate people just because they wear uniforms. Well, them don jam road block today!
I hit play on the CD system and Rihanna's voice rent the air... pure coincidence that it was MAN DOWN playing. It was so loud that I could not hear the screams and pleas coming from our two captives. I drove all the way to Lagos Business School and stopped them.

"Oga, oya make una get down from my car. I hope I gave you sufficient gist for your 17:59 groove with your friends after work. Enjoy!!!"

After saying this, I turned the car around and drove back towards the Bespoke centre so we could meet the wedding reception.

Have I been very naughty?

**SINGING** "Feels so good being bad! There's no way I'm turning back... I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it!!"

It's About Time

I am so sorry, darlings!! Been a while, huh?
It seems like I am always apologizing these days. Abeg, make una no vex for my side oh. It's work that has been so crazy and of course, I have been up to so many things that always make me wonder what planet I come from. Seriously, I must be some sort of alien form. I no longer understand it. However, if I say I do not enjoy every minute of my life... my nose would be 18inches or more by nightfall which isn't far-off.

Well, if I were catholic I'd probably start this gist like this...

"Forgive me darlings, for I may have sinned. It depends on the way you view fairness though. You see, I want another woman's boyfriend and I intend to have him. Is that a bad thing? I doubt it. But, what if I just want him for a brief period of time? I do not want to keep him... I think.

Does this make me a bad person?

Well, my gist started a year ago when I was introduced to this hunk at an exclusive beach picnic that was organized by one big-wig. He came in his own boat, his shirt was off as he controlled the boat and I could not stop staring at his ripped muscles and my gosh he was TALL!! Anybody who knows me, know that I die for tall, hot guys. Call me an "ashh..." that's your business. He-he.

So there I was, mouth slightly agape staring at this wonderful work of God till he was standing right in front of me and I did not even know it. I had travelled to that beautiful place where only fantasies abide. He had to clap his hands in front of my face to bring me back to reality and the annoying accessory that was hanging onto his arm like she was never going to let go. I disliked her instantly. Sorry, but I'm a babe and we are genetically engineered to dislike ladies that have the men that we want. To make matters worse, she was standing there grinning like the cat that got the milk. Aaaarrrrrggghhhh...!!!! I could feel the smoke emitting from my ears. Figuratively.

By the way, if you think less of me for wanting another woman's man, I should remind you of something you must have seen when you clicked on my blog. Hate me or love me... there's a little of me in you! *EVILGRIN

Back to my gist, I flirted codedly with this dude all day and trust me, I wasted no time in getting his complimentary card. Rule of the game ladies... if you truly want the dude, get his contact details and make it look like that was all he ever wanted to do. If not, na long thing you dey oh. He might never call you.

Days later, I found some petty excuse to call on him at his office. In the name of "business", well to be fair, I patronised his company a month after that. After the first visit, he started calling me often and I spent a lot of time giggling while chatting with him on BBM, I practically drove all of my friends insane. I met his chic a few times during the course of the year and she always went out of her way to be rude to me and I could not help but be amused because come on... this is ME we are discussing here. Hahahaha. I think I'm being deliberately unbearable today. Bear with me... is that possible? I would like to think so.

Anyway, I have been absolutely sweet and charming and understanding and homey, I fear I am losing my sense of self in my effort to reel this dude in. Do not get me wrong, I am quite homey naturally (Fabulously so), however this whole Martha Stewart/ Paris Hilton thing I got going just to get the bobo is something else, I swear. But then again, he's seriously coming around from what I have observed. Never say I failed at something I put my mind to. Just today, he invited me with him on his trip to Paris this Christmas and that my dears, prompted my confession and gist today!

I could not resist doing a skip in the office and I immediately called my partner-in-crime, Somi. She could not believe my audacity though she absolutely loved it!! Hey, she'd have done the same thing while she was still single and now she lives out her every naughty thoughts through me. Who is complaining though? Not me. Hehe

Anyway, I have a lunch date with him tomorrow and I intend to pop the big question. I intend to make sure we go to a very romantic restaurant to give me the right atmosphere to ask...

Hey... what question did you think it was? Me proposing to the dude? Lai lai!!! I dey craze??? I did say I wasn't sure I wanted to keep him, DUH!! Lol.
If he thinks I am going to travel to Paris with him as a side-chick, he's got another think coming. Miz is always the One and ONLY. I do not share.

So darlings, stay tuned! I will be bringing you more tafia soon. XoXo

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

AREN'T MEN AMAZING

Good morning darlings!!! It is a beautiful day to be alive!!! And Christmas is closer than before, huge reason for me to be excited!! Christmas is my favourite holiday!! I cannot wait to start hearing carols all around me, see beautiful decorations especially at Ajose Adeogun and Falomo round-about. That is usually beautiful!! And I promised myself that I would definitely take a picture by them this year. Who knows, I might even volunteer at a children's home just to see the beautiful smiles on their faces when I give them gifts and we sing carols together... Yes, I love children as well!

For those of you who never cease to ask... no, I am not going to church today. And no, it does not make me a sinner. I have simply decided to worship my God from home today since I cannot make it to my church. So for those of you going, drop some money in the offering basket for me. You are special!!

Something unusual happened 2 days ago. I gave my blackberry pin to a stranger on Facebook. Simply because he sent me a message without grammatical errors. Flawless English. I was impressed and while still being impressed, I gave my pin to a stranger who could have been a freak for all I knew!!

Yet again, he might be as sexy as Colin Farrell who is my ultimate definition of sexy!!! * fans-self*. Then I would consider myself blessed indeed!!

Anyway, I realized I was insane after I had accepted his friend request while wondering who the heck sent me a request. The bb name was different from the name on his Facebook account... Strike one!!
So, I sent him a bbm today asking why his name on bbm was different from his name on Facebook, and demanded to know if he was suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). The following conversation ensued...

"This is my real name. Not the one on Facebook. MPD? Oh no!! I don't. Why haven't you given me your number? I asked for it in my last message to you on Facebook."

I quickly checked my inbox and saw that the liar actually had.

"Huh?? You have me on here. Is that not more than enough? I am not the type to give out my pin to someone I do not know. I was in a very good mood, I guess." I replied

"Great, that means I am a lucky chap (insert bbm wink). Anyway, I need your number in case I come to Festac. I could call you and pass by where?" I had to read that again to be sure I wasn't reading the wrong chat.

Then he replied "Or I could drive to wherever you are so I can see you, at least."

"Back up, Mister. What has Festac got to do with me?" 

"BB network can be funny at times. Easier to track you with a direct call. Feel me here!! But if you do not want to give it out, no probs."

Feel him???? Hian Ohhh!!!! Then he sent a reply to my question about Festac...

"You told me you live in Festac. So I said I could come and see you if I am in Festac today. And to make it easier, I could call you to know where you are. That's what I mean"

"When did I tell you that please? *BBM confused face*" I was baffled, honestly but it got better...

"With your permission, of course. Oh!! That was yesterday. When you said you are a student in UNILAG and I asked where you stay, you told me 4th avenue"

Where the heck is 4th avenue?!!!

"Pls, go back and read through all your chats because I am very certain I never chatted with you before now. I do not live on the Mainland. The last time I was a student, I received my second MBA degree. You obviously have a lot of unknown ladies on your BBM list and I think I should take myself off to save you this confusion, and save me the annoyance"

"Then it's a mix-up. I chatted with 3people yesterday and you were the only lady I chatted with. So I am confused now. Why are you in a hurry to judge me? Confusion is only natural" he replied

"Dude, I don't judge fast. You apparently make it a hobby to ask for pins on Facebook and have gotten yourself confused. Do not lump me in with your harem of unknown ladies, Mister." I was quickly regretting my act of kindness in giving out my pin.

"My mistake, I apologize. Easy, please. I do not have a Harem and you will never be part of one"

I just stopped chatting with him after this and once I am ready for my phone, I will remove him from my list. Emi o raye!!

Honestly though, men are amazing!!!!

I am going to rifle through my kitchen for what to eat. I might go to the movies later. Any good movie showing?

Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

EXCUSE YOU???

Men amaze me. Really, they do.

Hey darlings!!! What are you up to this relaxing Sunday afternoon? I am chilling on the couch with my laptop on my thighs and some red wine by my side while I try to remain somewhat involved in the loud conversation going on in my living room between Somi and two of her friends. One of whom is cool and the other is just a loud parrot that could easily personify a life-sized bimbo. Truly. She has done nothing but argue pointlessly and guzzle down my wine in-between many mouthfuls of my peppered prawns!! How irritating!! I do not like this babe. Seriously. The only adorable thing about her is her name- CARESSA. Her parents deserve thumps on the back for such a sexy name. Pity the bearer has a tummy the size of a very mature water-melon and and an ass as pointed as the beak of a woodpecker.

Anyway, guess what the conversation is about? You get 3 guesses... anyone???? I guessed not.
It's about a rule we ladies like to call the "Six Sixes". Somehow, I think even many ladies do not know this is the official name of the rule but what the heck... we've all got to learn new things everyday, right?

You know how men determine how hot a woman is on a scale of 1 to 10? Well, the Six Sixes is our own scale of measurement. Difference is we do not measure based on appearance alone (yes, that's how smart we are). Unlike our superficial counterparts, we base our judgements on more than a man's six-pack (and no, not his beer pack). We consider things like his 6-figure salary that has to be deliciously close to a 7-figure, his 6-feet plus frame, ermmm... plus the fact that he has got to be at least 6-inches below the belt. There are many more Sixes, but you get my drift.

The fact that we judge based on your income, appearance, and performance does not make us shallow in any way. Okay, in some cases maybe. Speaking for myself though, I am an independent gorgeous woman who deserves nothing less than the gold. The more sixes I can score, the better for all concerned! However, a monthly 7-figure salary plus benefits may sway my mind (maybe).

So the reason why I said it's a maybe is because I ran into that ibo local champion whom I had a blind date with a while back. And at the most embarrassing of all places... The Palms!!! If you do not want to be seen, never venture near The Palms. That's where you will see every single person you do not want to see.
 I went shopping at Shopright and just as I was wheeling out my cart to go take the elevator and get me some ice-cream and brownies, I heard someone beckoning at me and screaming what I swear is not my name in any way.

"Mrs (insert thick ibo accent here)!!!! Hey Mrs...!!! It is you I am calling now!!!" He yelled

"Hi... errr... I'm sorry, your name again?" I asked in a very dry tone

"Erastus na!!! Remember me? Hian babyyyy... na wa oh!! i che ta kwa m ozo. It is me, Erastus!!!" He screamed again

Oh Lord have mercy. This was not happening to me again. I thought there and then that I must have wronged someone seriously enough to deserve this embarrassment one more time.

"Oh yea, how have you been? Look I have to go, okay? It was nice running into you though" I tried to make my escape

"Nne, not so soon nu. I has been looking for you since you run away those days. My chewing gum, nwa mummy, akwa nwa!!"


"Excuse you? Please do not call me pet names I have not authorized you to, especially not unsavoury pet names like 'chewing gum'. What the heck is that?" I could not stand the dude... eish!!!

"Ehn, me unsavry (pronounced as written), isi gini? Look at you!! You are just a Diva" he heaved out with lots of saliva flying all around.

I just burst into laughter. Who taught this guy the meaning of "Diva" for Chrissakes? Did he think it is an insult? That must be the highest compliment ever!!! Yes,  I am a diva and damn proud of it too!!!

This dude needs to up his insult vocabulary sha!! A lot of people had already started to stare and laugh too. Honestly, I did not feel bad about walking away from the bush man.

So, I gisted Somi and her friends about the experience and some of them were of the opinion that I should have given bush-man a chance because he's rolling in money. Are they for real? Especially aunty Caressa. The more Sixes I get, the better for me!! I am not looking to settle, biko!!

Hugs and Kisses,

MIZ

It Wasn't Me?

Why is my life filled with so much drama? No, I am being serious. Stop laughing.

Sometimes I get really tired of all the show and then I realize, I crave for it!! Then the madness starts all over again. Sometimes it finds me. Like it did yesterday in the form of Allen, my delightful neighbour. I am getting too old for this but who was it that sang "Forever Young" again? It's sad to think that the person had me in mind. That means the drama would never stop and our tatafo would always continue. Now that's a good thing, right?

My head is banging and I cannot stop my eyes from squinting whenever I am faced with bright lights. I had to lock my office door and tell everyone that I am working on one of our important projects and do not need any disturbances. Everyone respects my creativity and lets me be when I ask for it. This is a good thing and even better that they did not ask why I had sunglasses on in the office. The lights in my office have all been turned off and the blinds drawn. I am typing this almost blind and I hope I make no typo errors. If I do, blame it on the alcohol! Poor alcohol though, I should really blame Allen. She brought the alcohol!! But I do pity poor Allen. So do I blame it on my wacky emotions that felt pity for a babe that was caught pants down with one of them vultures (my pet name for married men)?

I had just gotten back from Ajah where I went to visit a friend who had been involved in an accident. I had not even taken off my shoes when I heard the bell ring. On opening the door, Allen bounced in filled with all the rage in the world.

"The bastard!! She will rot in hell!! Me, Allen!!! I was almost disgraced like a common prostitute! And you... where have you been?! Why have you not been taking my calls? Do you know what I have been through?!!"


"Err-mm... excuse you? Why did you come into my apartment to attack me at 11:30pm? Them dey worry you? Besides, if you are still alive then you have been okay. So, it's either you calm down and talk or you get out and allow me to sleep. Work dey tomorrow." I was very tired and having had issues with my PC all day, I just wasn't in the mood for her drama.

"No vex jare, ore mi. I am just so upset thanks to the severe embarrassment I suffered today. Remember Tunji? That Oil magnate I gisted you about that was chyking me and paid for my Paris vacation?" she asked

"If he's paying for your vacations then the level has moved from chyking to shagging, I'm sure. Anyway, yes I remember him. What happened?" I replied in a dry tone


"Haba chic, wetin now? Bobo no fit pay that kind thing for me without getting anything? Anyway, leave matter for Mathias. That one no be my wahala now. My problem is with the level of humiliation I suffered from today. After work (she works as a marketer with one of the banks) I drove down to Phase 1 where he was waiting for me. He just came back from New York, by the way and he brought shoes that would make you salivate. They are in my room."

Is this  girl mad? How would she mention shoes and expect me to still concentrate?  Anyway. let me try and focus on this her gist. I hope it is worth my time oh!

"After he gave me all the stuff he bought for me, one thing led to another and before I could say 'Tunji', my pants had ended up tangled up in the duvet as I was later to realize."

"I knew that Paris trip was not an awoof trip. Keep going. I am liking this." I adjusted my self on the bed to hear the gist from a better angle.

That was when the floodgates opened and instead of a juicy gist, I had a wailing woman in my arms!

"Allen, sweetheart... it's okay. stop crying. Poor baby. What happened next?"

I had to hear the rest of the gist na. Haba!! How would she leave me hanging?

"The door slammed open (sob), and a mad woman (More sobs) walked in and started hurling insults at me (still more sobs). She came in with an entourage!! Two other women and the gate man."

"Cheiii... your bride price don finish O!! Are you serious? (I had to struggle to hold in my laughter). So who's the woman? His wife or girlfriend?"


"His wife!! I didn't even know he was married!" She yelled


"Okay, get outta here, Allen. And what did you think the ring on his finger was? Fashion item? abi he does not wear one?" she had got to be kidding me!!

"I never looked at his finger now! (Right!! You just looked at his sexy pockets. No harm in that)

"She went crazy, I tell you, crazy!! How won't he look outside when he has a crazy woman as wife? She started throwing things at him and I just sat on the bed with the duvet covering me. I still had not recovered from what had been going on.

"Just at the final peak too!! Why did she have to come in at that time?" (Huge sob)

Hell hath no fury like a woman left unsatisfied? Hahaha. 

I feel I should let you all know that while all this was going on, we were already done with a bottle of Nuvo and  had started on another. I just kept drinking and enjoying the gist. She on her own was drinking with all the fury and humiliation stored up inside of her. I was pretty high at this point and so was she.

"You know something else, Miz? I have to start driving all the way to VGC now whenever I have to see him. He sent me a text with a change of location. Imagine!! All the way... Shtupid woman!!" she slurred

Ehn??!! She will continue to see the man?! Issorai!! Me, I like my fine face very well and I do not want some crazy woman to come after me with acid because I am sleeping with her husband. I no fit shout.

Anyway, the benefits must be worth all the humiliation since she is willing to go at it again.

At this point, she had started going into details about some of those benefits and I really cannot share them but they sure made for juicy listening!! Hehehe. We did not go to bed till about 3am and by that time, we had finished 3 bottles of Nuvo and a quarter. I am so screwed!!1

I am cuddling up to sleep on this couch, jare!! Will somebody be nice enough to wake me up at 5pm and bring a cup of coffee too? That is when I close for the day. Where's that my eye mask again? *YAWN!!

Hugs and hershey kisses,

MIZ

WAHALA

I am quite upset and rightly so!! I just got back from lunch which I had gone to with all the joy I always have on Fridays, only to return with a rather long face thanks to one ass-wipe (pardon my French) that pissed me off as I was pulling out of Marcopolo.

Forgive me, darlings. How have y'all been? Missed me as much as I missed you? I really do not know what kept me away and I'm sad that it took an annoyance to bring me back to you. I always told myself "tomorrow" but now I know for sure that tomorrow is always a day away. Well, Miz is back!!!

So, what upset me? A dude who drives as recklessly as Mr. Bean on a bad day. I had just finished my meal of steamed rice with broccoli (Yum!!) with a plate of vegetable spring rolls (I never miss those), and got into my car to begin the drive back to the office. I was jamming to Rihanna's "Man Down" and nothing could touch me at that moment... or so I thought. I beckoned to the security man to guide me as I pulled out, which he got up to do. Confident in the clear access I had and following the direction of the guard, I put my car into reverse and started pulling out of the parking slot. Next thing I know, this car came from literally nowhere and slammed into my car!!!
No... I did not slam into his, rme. He drove straight into me despite the security guard's sign not to. Eeeeehhhnnnn... see this "Weree" oh!!! My car!!! I immediately remembered Tony Tetuila's line "today na today. No time for tori". I saw RED!!! My car... like, My Baby!!

I got down from the car and bounded over to meet the "ponmo" who stupidly came out of his own car with something akin to fury on his face. I had to pause to look at him again... was he mad?! This dude just bashed my car and he was coming towards me with all the anger he had stored inside his egg-head!! Some people are mad in this Lagos oh!!

"Are you mad? Is something wrong with you? Why did you pull out like that, woman? Are you blind?! Don't you use your mirrors?!" He raged

"Huh? Wait a minute. This is a joke, right? Who released this lunatic from the psycho ward? Did you not see the security man directing traffic and letting people know I was pulling out?! Are YOU blind?!" I replied in fury. The dude was obviously on some cheap crack. He just bashed my car and still has the effrontery to yarn dust, abi?

I quickly went to check on my car and I almost cried!! My poor baby... My poor poor baby!!!

Wait oh!!!... this "ewu texas" is still talking? Chim oohh... some people are loco oh!!

"Dude, did somebody forget to fix your screws this morning before you left your house or have you lost them permanently? WTF is wrong with you? Look, I do not have the time to chill here with you and talk rubbish. However, you ARE going to fix my car!" I turned on him in anger (I am really cute when angry though. He-he)

By this time, several busy-bodies had gathered around and trust some of the men to be yarning nonsense like the chihuahua that hit my car.

"Woman, watch your tongue!! You do not talk like that to a man. Don't you have a husband? It is women like you that get sent out of their husband's homes. Keep quiet and show some remorse! Women, you people drive like if you are mad"

HUH?!!!!!!!!!! NO FREAKING WAY A DUDE JUST SPOKE TO ME LIKE THAT!!!


Okay, call me a feminist if you will but it is men like this that made me the way I am. And I do not tolerate it from them. Did the short toad think I was his meek wife seating down with her arms folded waiting for him to come home? See me see wahala oh!!

"Look sir, I am going to respect your old age and act like you did not just spew filth from your mouth. Why should I show remorse because this dude bashed my car? Infact, I am talking too much..."

I quickly picked up my phone and called Somi to brief her on what was happening. In just a matter of minutes, a police van had pulled up and I left them with my car and the dude. Did I mention Somi sent her driver for me too? Let that idiot sort himself out with the police. Ode!!

Seriously, I have issues with men that think women are pathetic drivers. I mean, yes some of us suck at parallel parking skills but we are extremely cautious when we are driving. It is always men you find involved in drunk driving accidents, driving without seatbelts... I am sure that piranha had taken some alcohol with his lunch and that made him drive like a bat flying in the day time. "Isi aki!!"

Recklessness on the road... Driving under the influence... Speeding (okay, I'm guilty of this),,, Failing to wear a seat belt in spite of LASTMA... These are what we should base our good/bad driver judgements on.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. Or sexist. Who cares?

I need to pack up jare. The weekend has officially begun! Countdown to a night of Jonzing!!! Talk to you later, darlings!!
Hugs and hershey kisses...

MIZ

WE DON'T DO THE BRIDGES...

Hello again darlings! It's another Friday and I am abso-freaking-lutely ready to let my hair down and have me some fun!!! I will get to that after I am done with today's rant.
My post today was inspired by an article I came across in the GENEVIEVE magazine August 2011 issue. I copped its title for today's title, ha-ha. According to the author of the article, and I quote,

 "...If you are a JJC in town, I need you to be aware of one of the bigz girls' rules- we don't do the bridges!"


For those who do not totally understand the above (maybe because you are not a Nigerian?), JJC means "Johnny Just Come". It is a slang we use to refer to "Newbies/ Newcomers". And as for the "bigz girls", they are our equivalent of the "IT girls". The bridges being referred to here, are the bridges that connect the Lagos mainland areas to the Island that includes Victoria Island, Lekki and its environs, and Ikoyi. Long story short, it means we do not date anyone that lives across any of the bridges!
In Lagos, those who live on the Island are considered the "IT people"... rich and classy. Anything away from the Island is just... uuurrrggghhh!!! Ha-ha. Everything worth having is located on the island. The best houses (though most expensive), the best malls, the banging clubs, the beaches, the stores, the cars,... and the people! Little wonder people consider it the only place to be.

According to the author of this article, insisting on living in this choice area of the state is simply being greedy and over-the-top. Hmmnnn... Aunty, I totally understand the angle you are coming from but please who would rather eat spoilt cheese when you have the option of freshly-made? Like seriously? Call me whatever you want to but I will never live on the mainland except of course it is restored to order. Yes, I am defending my decision as well as that of plenty other ladies I know who chose to live nowhere else but on the Island.
I have plenty reasons to visit the mainland on a weekly basis, either en-route the airport or to visit a client for a meeting. And each of these times, I always find myself cussing out loud and shaking my fists at the insane bus drivers or in general annoyance at the disorganization. It is like one mad house. Granted there are select areas on the mainland worth living in, but why seek peace amidst chaos when I can be surrounded by total peace and harmony?

This is my beloved Island

I have never been able to drive without finding myself in some form of traffic where different hawkers crowd around my car attempting to sell their goods in nasal voices and frequent knocks on my window. This happens on the island too (sales in traffic, I mean) but it is no where near as annoying as that on the mainland. Voices attacking you from every corner and hawkers blocking the road you are to drive on.
The bus driver that decides to stop his vehicle smack in the middle of the road, to exchange blows and rough words with his conductor or another bus driver. Sometimes it is even a me-lee between the bus driver, his conductor, and their passengers or the touts that loiter the streets of Lagos siphoning money off of these people willing to actually work for their money.
The acrid smell of sweat slicked bodies that probably haven't seen water in days, the smoke from buses and cars that no longer belong on the roads but in museums, and the deafening sounds coming from fighting people to vehicles, and hawkers, and shops that compete with each other for the loudest sounding music players.

Typical Lagos Mainland Scene

A lot of people would argue with me that this is the very essence of Lagos. And that all I have described are the smells of the hustle that symbolizes Lagos city and yes, I can agree with that. That does not mean I want to live there however!! Nuh-uh!!!

I work hard to afford the lifestyle I have and any man that wants to marry me has to be able to keep me in that life style. And no, that is not me being "over-the-top", it is me being real and honest with you!! If you meet a girl who drives a Range and lives in a penthouse in one of the choicest areas of town, my dear, either you match/ surpass her, or you shift, biko. How do you expect the marriage to work? Trust me, even Waje will run 4-40 if a man with "One naira" comes to marry her despite her song proclaiming "mu na gi ga nu garri" For where?!

My kids must have better than I had growing up and darling, I had it good!! I am not willing to manage a situation that will have me pulling out my hairs daily till I'm totally bald. The only other city I can live in quite happily is Abuja but fear don dey catch me for that side sef. So dear future husband, if you come to me like MI saying "Love me though the money is a maybe..." and insist on living on the mainland, kindly do not come near me now at all. I will find another husband. I am willing to work with you to maintain the cheese, but I will not follow you to drink garri and develop kwarshiokor. Miz said so! Send me someone like TI who has got wads of naira and would be willing to put a big boy in my life so I never want for anything.

When I am even praying that my dear future husband would get us a house in banana island. I have even been saving to support that mission.

So yes, I am a Lagos babe and I don't do bridges!! Case closed!!

That settled, where are y'all going tonight? It's been a while since I went dancing and tonight I am going to show my moves like Jagger!! Yeah baby!!! Okay, maybe Jagger doesn't quite cut the image I want. I will just stick with Shakira with some Ciara thrown in.

RATED PG 18

Hello Darlings,

Like I said, today's post is rated so please if you are not up to 18, cover your eyes... thank you!

How many of us remember the song "Tonight is the Night" by Betty Wright? I always did love that song and today I am going to tell my own story so like Betty Wright...

",,,I want you all to do this for me if you will
Everybody think back to your very first time.
Now I'll give you a little while longer
Cause I know some of you
Have to think back a little further than others.
Come on now, I want you to play catch up.
Cause I don't want you waiting till I get to the end...
Saying, Oh yeah, now I remember.
Now whether it was good
Or you just smiling it was good
or on the other hand if it was not so good
Here's my story..."

I had just started life as an under-graduate and had already landed myself the hottest guy in school as my boyfriend. He was 4th year Medical student, sexy as sin, and he drove this really hot sports car that he always used to zoom past in school. I was the envy of every girl who consequently hated me for landing the guy every chic wanted to date.

We had a wonderful relationship that thrived mostly because we were both proud we landed the catch of the session... each other!!! Ha-ha.
After a while, the pressure mounted from him and from my friends. He wanted to cement our relationship and prove to me how much he cherished me. My friends persuaded me that if I did not give in to him I could lose him to other girls who were willing to give it up at no cost at all. I did not want to lose my bobo so I finally agreed and we fixed a date for when "It" would happen. In my usual fashion, I went shopping for lingerie and little romantic fripperies I wanted to use to make my first time truly special.

On said day, I was so nervous I spilled a glass of juice on my lecturer and got stuck with the dry cleaning bill. I was about to become a woman! I rushed home three hours before the designated time to set the mood. Think rose petals, scented candles, dim lights...

He finally arrived right on the hour with a single red rose and that single gesture had me turning into pudding inside. Was he not the sweetest?!

He insisted we dance first and all I could think of was... "this dude is truly sweet but he must have watched too many Hollywood romance movies. Can't he see how nervous I am?"
While dancing he stuck his tongue down my throat and I wriggled away from his embrace.

"No no no. You are supposed to kiss me very very gently. Not like that."

Then he tried again. Well, after several attempts to kiss me just right like I imagined he should on my first time, he  finally got it right and managed to move me to lie on the bed. I was dying inside with apprehension. I kept thinking...

"My bed sheet is white... ouch!!! Do I have any pain-killers at all? Gosh, what am I about to do?"

While this was going on in my head, boy handsome had taken off his clothes and faced with a nude male body for the first time had my eyes open in shock and real fear. I was rooted to the spot. I could not move to save my life.

"Come on baby, lie down"

"Yes, yes lie down. Okay. Erm... do you want to watch a movie? Okay no. Put off the lights." He promptly went to switch it off...

"No no, it's too dark now. Put it back on. No, back on!" I said
"Baby, relax... I will not hurt you. I have done this before." he tried to calm me
"Let's forget you said that for now. I want wine. Let us drink wine." I huffed

While talking and talking in fear, it was done and I let out a little shriek.

"What just happened? That was it? No fireworks?"

Then I started to sob big fat tears. My special first was nothing after all but a shriek. In my haste to run to the bathroom and cry, I knocked over one of the candles and my bed sheet lit up in flames. What a way to crown the day!! I just slid to the floor where I proceeded to laugh hysterically as I watched him try to put off the fire with a bottle of the wine on the table, effectively worsening the fire.

Then he ran around till he finally found his way to the kitchen and got water to pour on the bed. The fire was eventually put out but my bed was a sorry sight and there was no way I was going to use my money to buy a new one... Yimu!!

He was truly a sweetheart though because he came to the floor to hold me in a tight hug and promise me next time would be better. After that day though, I refused to see him for weeks!! I was that embarrassed.

He bought a new mattress and bedsheets for me and even a bottle of wine that came with a note saying... "Hopefully this bottle would be used to douse an inner fire and not a physical one. Luv u" Truthfully, it was that note that made me give the relationship another try despite my embarrassment. So, there you have it. My memorable first time... smh.

Hugs and Hershey Kisses,

MIZ

Face Your front, dear!!

Hello darlings!!!! How has your week been? As depressing as mine? Everybody seemed to be working together to piss me off. At the office, my PA managed to screw up the simplest task ever. H.R.M could not stop eating foods with too much garlic which irritated me greatly because for some insane reason he was always breathing down my neck trying to peep at my computer (or see into my cleavage... the twat).
Somi on her own end conveniently forgot about the lunch date we had planned thereby making me go all by myself allowing the opportunity for some seriously pot-bellied oaf to approach me with lettuce stuck between his teeth... GROSS!!!
And then to crown my annoyance, the dry cleaners burnt my Vera Wang dress!! I have had a simply horrid week but in the midst of it all I managed to get some gist that I hope would make you laugh as much as it made me. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks which were hurting so bad from all the laughter. Let me give you a clue on what this gist about... take your mind back to the movie "Pretty Woman" and then picture the elevator scene. Good!!!... Let's go!!!

I was at a very busy restaurant today trying to have some lunch before returning to the madness of the office. While waiting for my food which was annoyingly taking forever to arrive, I was "people-watching" as I usually do.

Just as I was about to bend my head to take a sip of my colada, I saw "action-film" being shot right in my very before. There was a couple seated 3 tables across from me, I estimated their respective ages to be about 40/45. I thought the wife looked like a crow ready to pounce on her prey and I was not wrong at all because just a few minutes after thinking that, I saw her stand up to land the man a dirty one smack across the cheek... GBOOM!!!! As yellow as the poor man was, his face instantly turned as red as a very ripe tomato.
Apparently, one of these Sisi eko's who have nothing else in their wardrobes but pants they like to call bum-shorts had passed by their table to find a seat. The poor man whose eyes were apparently hungry for such a sight followed her every movement till the moment she sat down and his mouth was hanging open like that of a drooling dog's which I guess is not far from what he was at that moment.
While he was busy engrossed in staring at sisi, his iyawo was busy setting her hand to land him a sweet slap. I can still hear the sound, it was that loud. Everybody stopped what they were doing to stare at the show that had just unfolded before us.

My oh my, this was totally worth the delay plus the crazy amount I had to pay for the food. Entertainment toh badt!!! When it finally dawned on the man that he had been slapped and in front of a crowd too, he equally stood and tried to do gra-gra with his wife who picked up a fork and warned him clearly enough that we could all hear her in the restaurant.

"Come near me with that pathetic body of yours and I will help you pluck out your philandering eyes that cannot seem to stay one place. Idiot!!! Olosi, oloriburuku, Omo Ale!! Look at you!!! Useless man!! Your mates are out there taking care of their responsibilities and you are here looking at every girl that crosses your path. If you could even impregnate someone I would understand but with all your waka-about, you are still as impotent as a fool. Good-for-nothing buffalo!!!"


Aaahhh... that one enter I am sure. The man just sat down heavily on his chair and bowed his head as if in shame or pain. Before I could shout "WAITER", the man was up and pursuing his wife with the table knife. You should have seen both of them wielding their cutlery weapons and running round and round the restaurant. The poor waiters were bewildered as to what to do. Me I was busy laughing!!!! CHEIIIII...!!!! I could not stop the laughter so I just kept right on laughing as I watched the security men enter the fray while trying to restore peace in the restaurant. No entertainment better than that, I swear down!!! I could not even eat the food any more when they brought it. I was full from laughter. I had to ask them to pack it for me to take back to work. I was entertained for days!!!

Abeg, work dey tomorrow before laughter holds me captive here again tonight. Sleep well my darlings.

Hugs and hershey Kisses,


MIZ

SCAMMERS ANONYMOUS...

Wetin I take this my ear hear yesterday ehn...!!! Chei!!! Na wa oh...!! Twitter fine boiz and gbogbo bigz gals, I hail una oh!!!
Okay, so I went over to the Radisson Blu yesterday afternoon to have lunch with a friend who came into town from Abuja. While enjoying my meal at the Surface bar and Grill, this gist popped up. Obviously there is this dude on twitter whose sole aim is to get rich off of vulnerable kind-hearted ladies with excess cash to throw away. His twitter handle will be revealed partially at the end of this gist, but one clue... he is into heights. So, look again at any follower of yours who is into same thing because he just might be out to work on you... and your wallet!! Abeg, take that money to buy better something for yourself jare.

According to a friend of his who was also having lunch with us and who was duped by this dude, they started off with the normal retweets and mentions as we all do on twitter. And then, the DMs started rolling in before they decided to meet as per friends concerned. The dude told her a sob story about his mom being critically ill and in need of medical attention and him being piss-ass broke so could not afford to take her to the hospital as he should. I don't know if he put jazz in his mouth oh, because the babe I saw did not look like a fool to me, but what she did next can only be described as grossly foolish because the babe sharp sharp gave him a hundred grand!! Ol' boy, see daylight robbery oh!!! I am a proud Lagos babe!! I cannot be swindled!! I never finish to collect, I go come dey give man. Except I know you personally and I know you are good for a loan, never!!!! My mama did not give birth to me in Lagos just so I can end up counting the bridges we have.
The most interesting part is, I heard he has collected reasonable sums from over 10 different ladies telling them varied sob stories. Most amazing is a girl who emptied her life savings that totalled 400,000.00 naira to give to this Mofo!! Kai... somebody direct me to her, please!!! She needs serious spanking and I am just the right person to give it to her. In this day and time when we all know how people live to collect your hard-earned money... ha!!! Na real wa oh!! the gist weak me no be small. I am still shaking my head in wonder.

Anyway, forget this gist for now (well, except you have fallen victim! then please queue up to be flogged!!!), I went to The Marquee yesterday with Vixen and a couple of other friends. We went cray cray in  there... Wow!!! DJ Jimmy Jatt was in the building and he was spinning the wheels like he knows how!! You know your girl likes to groove, right? I grooved mehn... TDB (till day break)!!!
There was a moment when I sat down to devour a plate of buffalo wings and fries (yummy!!). When I am out anywhere, I love to people-watch. Very entertaining hobby too, I must say. So while my eyes roved, they quickly zeroed in on this chic who was as good as naked... Wowza!!!! She had on a black very sheer dress with a thong on so everyone could see her butt and bra with cleavage in very clear detail. That was so not sexy, I tell you. On a beach or by the poolside, I would understand the thong and bra but in the club... NO NO NO!!! To make matters worse, she was shaking her bum so hard and generally being a serious "baza-queen". I appreciate the female body oh, but I am no 3737 to want to be seeing the female body in public display like she had hers. Bride price don reduce sharperly... her poor folks!
Speaking of being a 3737, I would truly like to know why guys are turned on by it. Guys please tell me oh!!!

Alright darlings, I have to sway out of here now. I have a guest... *wink! But first, remember to look out for James Heights!
Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

I DEY CATCH COLD

I just had a flashback to those days when I used to hear these preachers come out early in the morning at say 5am, with their bells or mega phones to pronounce doom on everybody sleeping.

"Repent or you will burn in the pits of hell!! (Bells clanging). The beast will take you prisoner and you will rot forever as his captive unless you repent NOW!!! (more clanging)"

If you have never heard these people at work, have you at least received tracts that curse you to perdition if you do not stop being a sinner?
I am a Christian, in fact I have an extra-special relationship with Baba God but trust me, I will never threaten you into submission oh!!! The Book of Revelations is enough to scare the sin away from you!
I remember I used to give my life to Christ every morning when I heard that eerie prediction and I was just a wee lil' kid whose sole mission in Life was to grow up and be a doctor so I can take care of all the sick people in the world!! Speaking of which, how did my glorious medical self become a self-absorbed fashionista designing adverts and promoting companies? Na lie jor, somebody stole my destiny!! I refuse to accept that I ran away from the dream when I heard I would be operating on cadavers in the university... emi ke?! Lai lai!!! (Sisi Yemmie don't ask me why I am so nigerian jor!! Yes, we repeat words. You know it sounds better, truetrue.)

These days once I see a tract that looks remotely like it is about to melt me in fire, I run!! "Oso ndu" like my ibo self would say. I no fit shout.

So the reason for my waking up early this saturday to remember my way into fear is the recent happenings in the world especially as my beloved Naija has become deeply embroiled in it, reminding me that the Son of God might come this very minute. Hold on... let me take a minute to pray again!

Okay, I feel better but it might last for just a few minutes till I remember that the world is coming to an end again. You dey laugh? This one no be laff mata oh!! The bomb blast in the UN office at Abuja yesterday with devastating results, the floods in the north and one western state, and then the ocean surges in my Las Gidi that I used my own eyes to witness yesterday!! This is naija alone oh. We have not entered Hurricane Irene about to devastate the American east coast, Libya, Japan, Haiti again,... and the list goes on!! By the way, why is every bad thing named after a woman? Kilode now?! Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Irene... I know we can be mad bitches but that is often when we feel slighted or something, and do not quote "or something" as the reason. I can bet you it is a group of men that name these things after women, rme.

You should see the ocean surges! Alpha beach is no more, as well as Kuramo. All we have left of them are fond memories of days spent picking shells and eating suya while day-dreaming and staring at the ocean from the safety of our sandy beaches. Well, we also have nollywood movies where every couple in love have to play hide-and-seek on the beach and round a palm tree before their love is considered genuine, hehehehe. I should go and stock up on those movies for history reasons. My kids might not have a beach to visit if this trend continues, but at least with these movies they will know that once upon a time, LaS Gidi boasted of sandy beaches with white shells and creeping crabs (I will have to tell them those ones by mouth sha!)

So because of the ocean surges, the venue for the SGC for S.A.M.I Fashion Sales Fundraiser has been moved from the G12 Bar Oniru Private beach to the SS Lounge, Sapara Williams Close, off Idowu Martins (where we have Mega Plaza). The date is still the 28th of August (tomorrow) and it starts at 2pm. Celebrities will be there. The Press will be there. Fashion will soar while we touch the cell of someone precious.


Seriously though, this is not a nice development. I love my island and do not plan to relocate to the mainland. This is where it all goes down and forgive me for sounding posh but why would anyone not want to live on the island though? We are very organized here. No conductor shouting "Ketu, Ojota, Mile 12... wole!!!". No molue fighting with me for right of way on the road. I am scared of those contraptions. The traffic here is not filled with black smoke and rickety molues pushing me off my path and blocking my vision nor a danfo driver stopping smack in the middle of the road to jest with his fellow danfo driver who lost the speed race to him. Well, except you live in Obalende or go all the way to Ajah which I know will soon be posher than it is sef once these Hi-tech people stop focusing on the toll station and build the road they were commissioned to do.

I am seeing my dreams of owning a waterfront place in banana island going up in smoke... Noooo!!!!
Ocean surge, please stop!!! Do not ruin my dream since my days of reading Mills and Boon romances.

Okay, that's it. I am hungry. I need to go rustle up some breakfast now.  First though, somebody please help me tell Uncle Jona to stop bending head and start fighting these Boko Haram people fire-for-fire. The people we have lost were people with dreams like you and I. People with red sole louboutins that they would never wear again. Maybe someone we danced with in the club. Or crossed paths with in traffic, the bank, the mall... anywhere. They could be me or you!!! I do not want this fear we are being forced to live with!!! It is unhealthy and creeping the hell out of me. Please.

While I eat, please be safe!!

Hugs and hershey Kisses,


MIZ

Omoge Campus

I should have updated a day ago, but something came up hence the delay. Awon girls can like to form sha oh!!!!! That is the center of the tafia I am sharing with you people today. First though, how many people have RSVP'd for the SGC for S.A.M.I fund raiser I spoke about? Don't dull oh!!!

Okay... my gist. I went to the Protea Kuramo waters hotel on sunday with a couple of friends to swim. When I got there, I noticed some oyibo people by the Pool and in their midst was this "sele-nse" naija babe in a tacky gold swim suit (that thing should be burnt... ach!!!). She was my major form of entertainment that day. I was not laughing oh, I am not that rude (actually I was too entertained to miss a moment while laughing).

This chic was not wearing the swimsuit initially oh. She had on a serious bum short and an "Ama Kip Kip" T-shirt that molded her "assets" extremely well, I must say. The babe was heavy up there, chei!!! One of the dudes with my crew kept sneaking glances at it. Pity she was with a 70-year old lebanese man who looked like he'd keel over if the wind blew in his direction. Wetin she dey do with that one sef? I weak oh!!! I like money too, but I can bet you that the lustful dude I mentioned would have spent more money on her in support of the Manchester. She had nothing to speak of behind though, so the swim suit drooped at the bum as if she pooped or something... eeeuuuww!!! I should not have said that. She had a pretty face though and nice skin.

There was another girl in the party. A truly cute tiny under-age white girl whom I can wager is not a day older than 16. She was with a 35-year old looking white cute dude (but come oh... does that not classify as child abuse?)

Description over, entertainment starts. Aunty Gold suit stood up at one point and said

"we came here to swim and we are all relaxing here instead of swimming. I am going to change and start swimming, you people should join me." That was how the sisi went to change into her gold suit and stepped carefully into the pool. Na fear hold the babe oh!!
I thought she would enter and start doing some Michael Phelps stunts instead the babe stood in one spot smiling and swimming with her mouth that didn't keep quiet for one second.

"Kai, this water is cold oh!! And the sun is so hot. Should the water not be warm? Sweetheart, you did not warn me." Then she trilled in laughter
"Sweetheart, come inside now. Come and keep me warm. All of you come inside. Please bring my drink for me. Will they allow it? I want baileys."     

A while later her companions joined her in the pool and then true film show started. The young dude with the 16 year old were doing all lovey- dovey, with him carrying her to swim and all. Then the dude backed her into a corner close to where I was at the deep end.

"Kiss me" He said
"No, I cannot." She replied shyly
"It will be nice. Just wrap your legs around my waist and lean into me. Let me teach you the pleasures kissing can bring." He coerced

Chineke!!! See romance movie going on right beside me oh!! I used style to move closer for a better view. Ehhhnnn... I like tafia but you people are worse than me. So it's all good!!

On the other side, aunty gold suit was in her corner with Grandpa dancing to P-square's "Chop my money". I like that song... for very obvious reasons too!! The song is very danceable and it gives me hope that men would offer women an open cheque to chop their money to our heart's content!!!
Her dance style is something better seen because I no fit describe am sef.

"I cannot wait to go back to school. I told you I am a student. Lectures must have started now and they are giving out flyers for the lecture already." Sister-Gold-Swimsuit say WHAT?!!!! Flyers for lecture kwa? What school is that?! Where is it?! My eyes were as wide as saucers and I almost swallowed the pool water.

It is a pity I had to leave at that time because we had already gotten our tickets to see "Bad Teacher" at Genesis Deluxe Cinema. I would have loved so dearly to hear her explantion of how she uses a flyer to study. Umu nwanyi... I hail us!!!

I am going back to work. Talk to you soon.
Hugs and Hershey kisses,

MIZ

SGC for S.A.M.I Fund Raiser

I love any opportunity to have fun!!! I have to live while I still have my life, so don't blame me.
There is a fund raiser coming up on sunday the 28th of august (that's next week) by the way. It is being organized by V14 ventures as a precursor to the main SGC event I have been gisting y'all of.
I appreciate anything to ease the pain being suffered by fellow humans especially little ones. This fund raiser will be benefiting the Sickle-cell Advocacy and Management Initiative (S.A.M.I).

Knowing me as I hope you do from our plenty tatafo sessions, you must know I have one serious love... fashion!! And I am going to get a serious dose at this fund raising event, yezzurrr!!! They are selling strictly fashion items from clothes, to costume and beaded accessories as well as little fripperies ladies would love. The gents are being catered to as well so I am dragging all the men I can lay my hands on over there. They can shop for themselves as well as for me. Before I drift into gist mode you should know...

TIME: Sunday 28th August, 2011
            2pm- 6pm

LOCATION: G12 Bar Oniru Private Beach, Victoria Island

DRESS CODE: Sexy and free (it is the beach after-all!)

Basically, dress to look your best because this event would be covered by Lagos state Television (LTV) and Ovation Nigeria. Celebrities would be there too so put your famzing smiles on!!!

And for the record, I heard the first 40 people to arrive would not be required to pay for entrance... absolutely free!!! Woo-hoo!!!!

So darlings, let's show how charitable we are!! How caring we can be. Let's do as they have said in their message... "Come touch a cell, come celebrate courage, come give hope, come let's make the world brighter!! Come famz with stars!"

Gist in my next post for my tafia-loving darlings!!!
Hugs and hershey kisses,

MIZ